The Boy with the Broken Halo
by blue252
Summary: "It was amazing how different things were once the steady thrum of adrenaline faded and all that was left was the sharp clarity of the night." AU set mid to late S5. A story of what could have happened if Maddox was never caught. Complete at Chapter 20.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This will be a multi-chapter fic. The Black Keys song "Sinister Kid" is what sparked the idea and that is what the lyrics below are from. I hope you'll stick with it and I'll do my best to not go too long between updates. For those of you who don't like character death fics, hang with this one. Everything is not what it seems. ;) Oh, and I really appreciate any feedback, positive or negative. Reviews are magical!

**Disclaimer:** I have no ownership of these characters. But, they're so much fun to play with.

* * *

_I've got a tortured mind and my blade is sharp._

_A bad combination in the dark._

_If I kill a man in the first degree_

_Baby, would you flee with me?_

_-The Black Keys_

* * *

It was late and he was not nearly drunk enough. He turned his glass up, swallowing the last of the scotch it contained. He could feel it blazing a smooth trail down his throat. And therein was the problem. He could still feel too much, still tasted, still yearned, still _burned_. And that was just not going to cut it right now.

But drowning this slow smoldering anger wasn't a task he could accomplish with only a few drinks. It consumed him like a raging fire, burning to ashes all but one thought: _Kate_.

He reached for the now half empty bottle, refilling his glass with the warm, brown liquid. His goal was to be numb tonight, no matter how much it took. He would eradicate himself of every useless feeling. Feeling was weakness. Weakness that he could not afford.

He would not talk himself out of his plan, even though she would have hated it. She would hate it even though he knew she'd do the same if the situation were reversed. Frustrating, paradoxical, _beautiful_ woman. His entire being ached for her and for letting her down in more ways than one.

But he was committed and he would not back down. He understood what it was like for her now. That rabbit hole she'd been so afraid of falling back down when they'd only first met. He knew now what it was like to be so driven by a singular goal that you lost yourself in the process. It didn't make a person blind to the consequences like he'd always assumed. He always thought that Kate couldn't see what she was doing. That she didn't realize she was exchanging her life for the case. It wasn't exactly like that. At least not for him. He was just so entwined in the drive and the pain that he no longer cared what it cost him. Because to him, he'd already paid the highest cost.

She was afraid of the rabbit hole back then but he'd also made sure she was never in it alone. Made sure to pull her back from the edge each time she began to slip. He could still hear her speaking the words she'd said at Montgomery's funeral. If you're lucky you find someone who will stand with you...

He'd stood with her. He'd given her always and now always was just a cold and empty word that reminded him just how fleeting _forever_ could be. There were no happy endings in this story, no matter how he wrote it. She wouldn't be there to pull him out of the spiral. And it was down in the darkness that he'd found this one purpose, even if for a limited time. She couldn't stand with him anymore, so he'd stand for her.

He took another long draw from the glass, relishing the way the alcohol simultaneously ignited and dulled his senses, containing the anger simmering at a slow boil within his veins.

He caught a glimpse of movement in his peripheral vision outside the window and watched a group of people walking along the sidewalk outside his building. Probably on their way to a club, based on their attire. He was surprised to find that his mind still noted the details. Still was fully attuned to the stories out there. He just couldn't bring himself to care about them anymore. What did it matter without her? His stories wouldn't bring her back. Nothing would ever have the same meaning again.

He had the fleeting thought of just how different things could be right now, in another life. The life that they'd been building. Perhaps he'd be out too, with Kate. Just finishing a night of dinner and a show? Dancing? Would he be writing while she propped her feet across his legs, engrossed in her own book? Would he be charming her into staying the night? Or listening to her pretend to protest that she still needed some independence, even though they both knew it was only a matter of when, not if, she moved in with him. Would he be carrying her into his bed? Trailing his fingers across her body as she moved beneath him sighing his name in the way that had always undone him. Memories clouded his mind as he choked back the tears. Tears that he refused to allow himself to cry.

He slammed the glass down so hard that for a moment he expected it to break in his hand. He laughed cynically. Like it'd matter if it broke. Everything else was broken. Pain was the only thing that reminded him he was alive. Pain and the anger were all that was left now.

He knew his family was worried about him. His mother had offered to move back in. Alexis stopped by almost daily. Ryan and Esposito too, for a while. Even Gates had tried to talk him into continuing to come in and help out at the 12th. An action he found truly out of character for her. Just a testament to how _wrong_ everything was now. As if he'd ever go back without her.

Black Pawn had extended his deadlines. Gina and Paula had even been sympathetic. He smirked to himself at that thought.

But, eventually the calls quit coming. That's sort of how it was in life, wasn't it? Sympathetic looks, phone calls, visits, at first. Everyone "understands" in the beginning. Then, understanding faded to whispers of speculation regarding when he'd write again, when he'd move on…

It made it easier though, once the calls ended. He was sick of pretending to get better. Tired of forcing smiles, reassuring people that he was fine. He wasn't fine. He would never be fine again. He didn't want to reassure. He wanted to avenge.

So he had worked hard to make sure it was possible. Months spent getting back into shape. Running came first. He had to increase his stamina. Then, training. Money was not an issue of course, so he spared no expense in hiring the best. He had to be ready for physical combat. For the task that lay before him.

He stared at his reflection in the window. His biceps stretched at the sleeves of his shirt. His face much thinner and jaw line more chiseled than he could ever remember. In his younger days he'd have admired this look and used it to his advantage. But now, his toned and lithe body only served one purpose. There was only one thing left to do. And he would not fail.

The knife sat only a foot away on his desk, glaring up at him coldly. He couldn't stop himself from picking it up again. He trailed his finger along the blade, watching the city lights glint off the cool metal with narrowed eyes, as he turned it over and over in his hands. He swallowed a wave of nausea that he may have blamed on the alcohol had he not known better.

He stared at the ridges on the lower part of the blade, wondering how many lives this knife had taken. How many bodies bore these signature marks? How many others failed to protect the ones they'd loved? How many others hadn't even seen it coming? Again, the nausea threatened to overtake him as he forced himself to push those questions aside.

It would take only one more life, he thought bitterly, tossing the weapon onto his desk. That was the only thing that he was sure of now. But that was tomorrow. Tonight, he would drink. Tonight he'd let the burn of the alcohol replace the burning rage in his heart. And tomorrow he'd kill the man who'd taken Kate from him.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Thank you guys so much for reviewing and following this story! Your words and flails and everything are what make writing so much fun and rewarding. Again, I just want to reassure anyone who isn't a big fan of angst, I'm not _that_ cruel! I swear :) Not everything is what it seems in the first chapter so hang in there! Notice, I never once said Kate was dead ;) Now, we're going back in time to explore the story a little more. So here's chapter 2...

**Disclaimer: **I'm anxiously and excitedly awaiting the Season 5 promo tonight right along with everyone else!

* * *

**Chapter 2**

6 Months Earlier

The moonlight streaming in from his window cast a soft glow along the length of her back, stretched bare across his bed.

God, she was so beautiful, he thought.

He felt his breath catch in his throat as he allowed his eyes to trail the long line of her body, covered only by the white sheet draped loosely across her lower back. His pulse quickened as he recalled the events from only an hour before. He could still feel her body flush against his, arching under his touch, spurring him on, further, deeper. His gasp of surprise as she suddenly flipped the two of them. His entire body thrumming with desire as she pinned him beneath her, trailing open-mouthed kisses further and further down his chest. Edging closer to the brink of sensory overload. He swallowed back a wave of arousal and focused on the steady rise and fall of her breathing.

He sighed contentedly. Even in her sleep, she still managed to leave him breathless, speechless, completely undone.

He treasured these few, rare moments when she fell asleep before he did. The way he could so freely observe, truly absorb everything she meant to him. Maybe it was the writer in him. He wanted…no, _needed_ to file this all away. Every quiet detail, every part of their story. He never wanted to miss these moments.

Sure, he did his fair share of staring during the day, despite her threats...

"How many times do I have to tell you how creepy that is, Castle?!" she'd warn, with a smirk that didn't quite reach her eyes anymore.

And it didn't exactly stop him from letting his eyes linger an extra few seconds at work or while she was moving about his loft or her apartment. But there were the moments like this…when she was draped across his bed so peaceful in sleep, her body canted slightly toward his side of the mattress. These were the moments that tugged at his heart.

No one saw else saw this side of Kate Beckett. No one else had memorized the way her hair fell across her forehead when she was curled up on her side. No one else saw the gold flecks in her green eyes as they darkened with desire. No one else felt her soft laughter against his cheek as she tried to persuade him to wake up in the mornings.

His heart swelled with the knowledge that these were things reserved for him alone. That Kate Beckett trusted him with this side of herself that so few had ever seen. He'd known for some time that she was it for him. That no matter what happened between them, he could never love another woman more than he loved her. Never the way he loved her.

But recently, she'd been allowing him more and more of these moments. Kate was a frustratingly stubborn and independent woman. They'd fought like crazy at times. And at first he'd struggled with the fear that she'd run. That her need for independence clashed too much with his desire to wrap her in his arms and shield her from the world.

Somehow, slowly, through it all, they'd found their rhythm. Just like they had at work. Just like they always did when it truly mattered. _Partners._ And Rick had learned that by giving her the space that she needed, they'd grown infinitely closer.

Just a week ago, she'd had a particularly horrific case. He'd been stuck in meetings with Black Pawn for three straight days so he'd not been able to spend much time at the precinct. He knew that her natural instinct after a bad day was to hole herself up in her apartment. She'd basically admitted to him as much. That it was just too much to deal with anyone after the long days with dead ends and the grisly details of death. However, on the first night of investigating that double homicide, she'd called him and said the words that still made his heart swell… "I'll be home soon." And every night that week she came home, to _him_.

And it was in these times he truly realized that he was it for her too. That now, when she ran, it was him she'd chosen to run to. His loft, his bathtub, his bed. No longer _his_ but _theirs_. He felt it more and more. They were almost there.

He trailed his fingers lightly down her side, completely mesmerized. He'd never understand how he got so lucky. Maybe Kate didn't believe in fate or magic but there was just too much beauty in the way they fit together, too much he couldn't explain about the pull of her to him…he'd spend the rest of his life trying to figure it out.

"Mmm, staring is still creepy, Rick," she mumbled sleepily, as she reached to entwine her fingers with his, pulling his arm across her waist. He noted the hint of a smile on her face though, so he took the opportunity to pull her closer and planted light kisses across her bare shoulder, reveling in the intimacy.

"Just collecting more inspiration from my muse," he said grinning into her neck.

"She walks in beauty, like the night. Of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes…" he recited softly into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

"Seriously, Castle…Lord Byron? Are you going to turn Rook into a total sap like you?" she asked, laughing quietly, doing her best to suppress her body's reaction to his breath against her skin.

"You wound me, Beckett!" he retorted. "Why can't Rook be sensitive and charming and enjoy a little Lord Byron?"

"You're ridiculous," she replied as she rolled over to face him.

"You mean ridiculously good looking right? Ridiculously charming? No wait, ridiculously good in bed?" he joked.

He succeeded in getting a playful shove and an eye roll for that. He saw her glance at the clock on the nightstand. When she noticed the time, her eyes narrowed slightly, in concern.

"Hey, why are you still awake? Everything ok?" she asked.

"Everything is perfect. I just…I love you," he breathed. "Just thinking about how lucky I am to have made it here."

Her eyes softened and she smiled that smile he loved the absolute most. The one that lit up her whole face. "_We, _Rick. _We_ made it here. I love you too…so much," she said as she leaned in and kissed him slowly, gently, as if to cement her words.

"There's no where else I'd rather be," she said, closing her eyes again contentedly.

And once again, she took his breath away.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Thank you guys so much for all the wonderful reviews :) Getting your feedback really inspires me to keep writing and I appreciate that you take the time to leave me one! Even more thanks to The Twelfth Precinct for choosing this story as the Fan Fiction of the Week for this week! I'm so honored and excited! And last but certainly not least, thank you a million times to Angie ( dtrekker) for making the most beautiful cover art. She's amazing. Ok, finally on to Chapter 3!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters. AWM has got that covered quite well!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

She woke early, warm and deliciously cozy.

Kate had never considered herself a cuddler before. She'd been prone to nightmares ever since her mother's murder and they'd come back with a vengeance after her shooting. There was something about sleeping with someone's arms around her that made her feel suffocated, far too confined and claustrophobic. A few men she'd dated in the past had tried. Each time she'd wake in a panic, feeling as though she couldn't breathe.

Most girls felt protected. To Kate it felt like the walls were closing in.

Apparently, she also had a tendency to kick and punch in her sleep. Josh had been on the receiving end of a few accidental blows that he wasn't exactly thrilled about. So she always kept her distance and stayed on her own side of the bed.

Where she could breathe. Where she was _safe_.

Then, Castle changed everything.

And wasn't that just like him?

He'd barged into her work almost six years ago, barged into her mother's case, barged into her thoughts, her entire life…and disrupted every aspect.

Sometimes subtly, sometimes not so subtly. But always leaving his mark.

It amazed her just how much things had changed. From her favorite author to her annoying shadow. Then somehow…a best friend and a partner.

But above all, she couldn't believe how completely _fulfilled _she felt. It was something she hadn't allowed herself to imagine possible. All the years of fighting, always fighting. For justice. For revenge. For answers to the questions she wasn't even sure she could handle if she ever found. For something she wasn't sure existed.

_Peace_.

The war was over.

Now, here she was. With Castle. Enveloped within his arms, listening to the steady drum of his heartbeat, the rhythm of his breathing against her neck.

She'd never felt this before. Never even knew half of what this could feel like. And she found herself falling deeper every single day.

Sure they fought. Castle was still an annoying ass, at times. She knew she was still stubborn and resistant to being taken care of. But, what they had meant more than any of that. And they _did_ work together. So well.

She'd gradually stopped worrying about things so much. She didn't feel the need to run anymore. She looked forward to coming home to him. To the nights they'd cook dinner at her place or his. Laughing together about the time they'd wound up covered in flour and chocolate after making cookies for Alexis to take back to the dorm. Or the time Castle had accidently stopped up the sink trying to stuff too much down the garbage disposal and then, decided he was an expert in plumbing. She smirked at the image of him completely drenched in water, head in the cabinet under the sink.

She couldn't help but smile. She loved their life. She loved him.

Not perfect. But _perfectly them_.

She eased herself out of Castle's arms, trying her best to not wake him. She knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. She was too excited about tonight.

* * *

"Pancakes?" she heard Castle ask, with a hint of excitement in his voice, while she moving about his kitchen.

Kate smiled at him. "Banana pancakes," she corrected.

"Mmmm," he replied. "Is that why you're listening to Jack Johnson?" he asked, grinning.

"_Waking up too early, maybe we can sleep in. I'll make you banana pancakes, pretend like it's the weekend now…"_ he sang along to the song playing through the iPod speakers.

She laughed. "Hmm, I suppose it may have been the inspiration. Heard the song the other day and I've been craving them ever since."

"I won't object to that," he said, wrapping his arms around her from behind, placing his chin on her shoulder.

"Good morning," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Good morning to you too, sleepyhead," she responded, leaning back into his arms for a second.

"These are almost done if you want to grab us plates and stuff," she added.

Right on cue, his stomach growled loudly, causing her to laugh. "Geez Castle, did I not feed you enough last night," she teased.

"I'm fairly certain that we worked off dinner," he responded. "_Several_ times," he added, blue eyes darkening considerably.

She smacked him with the spatula, trying to force away the blush beginning to form on her cheeks due to the memories.

"Ok stud, let's have breakfast _before_ you jump me."

"But you taste better than breakfast…" he growled, placing his arms on either side of her on the countertop, crowding her body.

"Breakfast first, then we can work it off…_several_ times," she whispered in his ear, before sauntering to the table with a wink.

* * *

"So, what are you going to do this afternoon?" he asked, rolling over onto his side, watching as she pulled on a pair of jeans and white t-shirt.

"I thought I'd go over to my dad's for a little while, actually. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. Think you can survive a whole afternoon without me?" she teased.

"Hey! I'm fully capable of entertaining myself," he feigned hurt. "And…Alexis texted while you were making breakfast, asking if I wanted to grab lunch."

Kate laughed. "Good, tell her I'm still up for dress shopping later this week if she wants."

"I will. She'll be thrilled. Apparently this 'half formal' thing is a big deal," he said.

"Semi-formal," she corrected. "They _are_ kind of a big deal in girl world if your boyfriend is in a fraternity."

He shrugged. "If you say so…" he replied flippantly.

Kate knew the whole idea of his daughter dating a "frat boy," as he typically referred to Mike as, was not exactly appealing.

She leaned over the bed and gave him a kiss, trying to keep him from dwelling on the subject. "I'm looking forward to tonight," she said smiling at him.

He brightened immediately, a large grin appearing on his face. "Me too. I was thinking I'd pick you up around 5:45? Our reservations are for 6:30 but it's across town so that'll give us time with traffic."

"At the mysterious restaurant you still haven't told me the name of?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"At the amazingly awesome super secret surprise restaurant that you will love," he replied, crossing his arms haughtily.

"Ohhh, alliteration, how sexy," she laughed.

"What can I say? I know what turns my woman on," he said waggling his eyebrows at her.

"You're insatiable, you know that right?" she said, smiling as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Mmm, say _insatiable_ again," he said with a grin.

Kate laughed and pulled back, staring up at him for a moment with a smile.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Just…six months," she said softly, looking up into his eyes.

"Six months," he repeated, in awe.

* * *

"Hey there, Katie," Jim Beckett said warmly, wrapping her in a hug as she walked into his apartment.

"Hey Dad. How've you been?" Kate asked, smiling at him as he guided her to the kitchen table where he had tea waiting.

"Things are good, sweetheart," he replied. He paused to take a sip of his drink. "And how's my favorite daughter doing?"

"I'm your_ only_ daughter, Dad," she replied playfully, rolling her eyes.

"Still my favorite," Jim responded with a wink.

Kate just shook her head. "I'm doing really well," she said.

"And how is Rick doing?" he asked, still a hint of teasing in his eyes.

"He's great, Dad." _Really great_, she thought.

"Great, huh?" Jim questioned, now fully teasing.

"Well, you know Castle…he's always into something. Last week, he managed to get himself locked in the precinct stairwell somehow. But we're good, Dad…really good," she said, not able to keep the smile from her face.

"Today is…six months," she stated, almost reverently.

Jim smiled at her. "I'm happy for you, Katie. Rick's a good man."

Kate took a deep breath. "I'm happy too, Dad. I…I'm going to move in with him. He sort of off-hand mentioned it a few weeks ago. But I can tell he's been giving me time. Not wanting to move too quick. I'm ready though. I have been ready. I thought I'd surprise him tonight at dinner," she finished, surprised she'd just gotten all that out, to her father no less.

Jim squeezed her hand. "I'm proud of you Katie. I don't tell you that enough. I know that we've had our ups and downs and I haven't always been there to support you. But, this is good. What you and Rick have is good and I'm so proud of you the woman you've become."

"And your mother would be too," he added.

Kate felt her eyes well up. "Thank you, Dad."

* * *

Kate hummed to herself as she walked down the hall to her apartment, reaching into her purse to grab her keys.

Her visit with her dad had brightened her day that much more. And had only served to further cement her plan of surprising Castle that night.

Moving in together. It was a big step.

It was the _right_ step, she thought, smiling.

She turned the key in her lock and pushed the door open, eyes lighting up as she caught a glimpse of her deep purple dress, hanging off the doorframe, ready to be worn that night.

That reminded her…Castle had texted a little while ago asking what color tie he should wear. She fished for her phone in her purse so she could reply. Of course he wanted her for fashion advice.

_Adorable, silly man._

That was her last thought before the knife punctured her side, stealing her breath.

Then, everything was black.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Hope I didn't scare anyone away with the end of the last chapter :) Thank you guys a million times for your reviews and feedback. Makes me so happy to hear from you. Has everyone been as excited as I am about all these awesome new cast pictures and interviews and spoilery articles? Sigh, so much great Caskett this week! Anyway, without further ado, I hope you all like this chapter.

*Update* Sorry for the weirdness with the posting! It's acting up and I'm trying repost this chapter so hopefully it will work now.

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Castle couldn't sit still, his body was thrumming with anticipation of the evening to come. Kate knew he was taking her to dinner but he'd kept the tickets a complete surprise. Tickets to the Met, Parterre Center Premium. Something he'd stored away in his mind when she'd mentioned that it was a childhood dream. He'd been before, of course, but he couldn't wait to experience it beside Kate. To observe her reactions, her expressions as she felt the devastatingly beautiful rise and fall of each note.

He'd taken his time getting ready, carefully arranging his suit and jet black button up shirt on the bed before starting the shower.

He shot Kate a quick text, asking what color she was wearing so he could coordinate his tie. He was guessing deep blue. Or purple. Kate loved purple. Something else that he'd learned in their time together.

That would work perfectly. He had a purple tie he hadn't worn in a while that he loved. A Christmas present from Alexis, a few years back.

Kate still hadn't responded when he checked his phone, so he'd just gone with his gut and chosen the purple. She was probably in the middle of getting ready, showering or something. It was only 4:15, after all.

But he couldn't just sit. Too keyed up with excitement. He knew tonight was big. Six months of being officially together.

It was more than that, though. Six months going on six years of all they'd been through. And here they were. _Still together._

He wanted so badly to ask her to move in. He'd been holding back the words for weeks now. He'd kind of blurted it out at one point but did his best to backtrack, not wanting to overwhelm her. He knew they were past the point of her running away. But, he wanted this to be on her time. On her terms. He would wait forever for her. There was no need to rush.

He smiled at that thought. No rush. They had forever.

_One and done_. Kate's words.

He glanced at his phone, almost 5:15. _Oh screw it, _he thought. He'd just go over early. He was too excited to wait.

* * *

He took the Ferrari.

Maybe it was a little over the top but he felt the need to expend some of his nervous energy. He wanted to feel the vibration of the engine, the steady hum of power at his control. He turned the key in the ignition and the car revved to life, responding to even the slightest touch of his foot on the gas.

Oh yeah, this was perfect.

It didn't hurt that he knew Kate secretly loved the car as much as he did. Oh, she'd never admit it but he caught the glint of desire in her eyes whenever they took it out. And sometimes she'd snatch the keys from him on nights when she was frustrated with a case. He loved how they worked out their tension with each shift of a gear. The steady climb of the speedometer mirrored their pulses, as they raced further away from the city.

So it would be a fun night, he thought as he smoothly navigated the traffic towards Kate's apartment. A night to celebrate their journey. A night full of _living_.

* * *

Something wasn't right. He sensed it the moment he reached her door. A wave of some feeling he couldn't quite place. Anxiety, maybe? Was it just nerves? He took a deep breath, trying to swallow down whatever it was.

And then it hit him. He was _afraid_. Why would he be afraid?

Geez Rick, get a grip, he scolded himself. He knocked twice on Kate's door, bouncing on his feet impatiently as he felt the sudden need to see her. To wrap her up in his arms and reassure himself that he was being ridiculous.

But a few seconds passed and he heard nothing. In fact, it was eerily quiet. No water running, no music, no footsteps. He knocked again, a little louder this time, and pulled his phone out of his pocket to check for texts.

_Nothing._

Now, he was legitimately worried. He'd been around Kate and the boys long enough to know that feeling when something was wrong. When something bad had happened or was about to. It felt like that moment right before you heard the click of a gun, followed immediately by cool metal pressed against back of your head, completely _blindsided_.

He felt for his key to her apartment in his pants pocket, and tried to tell himself that maybe she was just in her bedroom and couldn't hear him. He could let himself in. Everything was fine.

_Everything was fine, Rick._

But, the moment he opened her door he knew it wasn't.

"Kate?" he called out.

It was dark. Not a single light turned on, just a small glow of light peeking from behind her closed curtains. Something was very, _very _wrong.

"Kate? Are you in here?"

He took a tentative step in, trying his best to be quiet and attuned to any sound or movement from within. He didn't have any weapon. No protection at all if someone was here.

If someone had been here…

_Oh God, had someone been here?_ He felt sick, a wave of nausea ripping through his stomach. He frantically unlocked his phone and thumbed to his contacts, dialing Kate.

_Please pick up. Please pick up, Kate._ Straight to voicemail. He desperately punched her at name on the screen, calling again. Over and over just to get her voicemail. "Kate, please…call me, where are you, Kate?"

He took another step, his foot hitting something wet. What was that? It was dark but the light from the hallway illuminated enough that he could make out the small puddle.

He crouched down in the hopes that he could see better and reached out to touch the liquid that seemed to have pooled in the entryway. He wished he hadn't.

He knew the moment he touched it what it was.

Blood.

_Oh…oh God. Oh God, Kate._

The room spun around him as he tried to breathe. He was suffocating, drowning in the dizzying panic.

_This couldn't be real._

He rose to his feet and fumbled his way to the light switch, both needing to see but not wanting to see anything.

More blood. So much blood. _Kate._

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to shut out the images. But he couldn't. They were burned into his vision, threatening to overtake him. He opened his eyes again and leaned his head back against the wall, desperately sucking in a breath. _Breathe, Rick, breathe._

That's when he saw the knife.

He half ran to the counter, legs shaking, barely holding him up as he reached it.

There it sat, as if carefully placed, the blade still covered in blood. Beside a note and a picture that he immediately recognized. The picture integral to both his and Kate's murder boards.

_Johanna Beckett in the alley._

He couldn't stop the moan that escaped as he poured over the note.

"Mr. Castle, Did you really think this was over just because you put my employer in jail? Did you truly believe could escape the consequences of your actions? I just thought you'd like to know how I ended your girlfriend's life. How she screamed with each thrust of this blade just like I'm sure her mother screamed the night Dick Coonan killed her."

Cole Maddox. _Son of a bitch._ His hands shook with the mixture of rage and grief as he continued reading.

"Don't worry, Rick, you're part of the plan too. Your time is, shall we say, ticking right now."

He shoved the note into his pocket as he ran toward Kate's bedroom, searching frantically for anything else Maddox may have left.

_Nothing_. _Nothing. Nothing._

He stopped abruptly. What was _that_ _sound_?

Then, the explosion ripped through Kate's apartment.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **I hope every one managed to find Chapter 4. The website has been crazy lately with alerts and broken links. So if you haven't read that one yet, it's up and posted! Sorry if I'm killing you guys with all the cliffhangers ;) Thanks again for following the story and all your reviews/comments. Keep them coming! They're awesome!

**Disclaimer:** Castle does not belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Everything was in slow motion. Time, space, movement. It all grinded to a halt in that one moment. Was this how it would all end?

He was searching Kate's bedroom when he heard the ominous crack. Immediately, his mind flashed back to the note: "_Your time is, shall we say, ticking_…" Ticking?

_Ticking_...like the NikkiHeat case. He remembered Kate telling him about that phone call. How all she could hear for days were those two words, "_Goodbye Nikki_."

He did the only thing he could think of.

The only thing that had saved Kate from the bomb in her old apartment. He took off toward her bathroom and dove into the tub, bracing himself for the inevitable explosion. Bracing himself for the end.

Tick.

Tick.

_Boom._

If he thought his heart had stopped that night watching from the street as Kate's apartment blew up, this was worse. Far worse. He had no idea where Kate was. If she was still in the apartment. If she was even alive.

The explosion was deafening. He felt the almost immediate surge of heat and covered his head, praying that the tub would insulate him enough from the blast. He continued to hear a series of cracks and pops as things caught fire throughout the apartment. He had to get out of there somehow. The whole place would be in flames soon if his prior experience with Kate had taught him anything.

But what if Kate was still there? He couldn't leave until he was certain. He'd never leave her in here, even if she was…_dead._ He barely allowed himself to think the word, let alone believe it. He'd die before he left her there.

He raised himself up, testing his legs to see if he could even move. They shook slightly, but everything seemed to be intact. Bruised and banged up but nothing appeared to be broken. He willed himself to crawl up and out of the bathtub, wincing at the movement. His arm was throbbing from taking the brunt of his dive but at the moment, nothing mattered. Nothing but continuing to search for Kate.

_Kate!_ A plea for her as he dodged the falling beams and debris.

_Kate! _ He swore he could hear her cry his name as he went from room to room, finding nothing but flames.

It spurred him on. "Castle!" Where was she? He slammed his fist into the wall. She needed him and he couldn't get to her.

It was eternity. His own personal hell. Fire licked from the ceiling in the living room, flaring angrily at him. _Kate! _

"Sir! Are you all right? You've got to leave!" he heard from somewhere far away.

_No. No. He wasn't leaving. Not without her._

"Sir! This place is about to be nothing but ashes. You have got to follow us out."

"Kate!" he yelled.

He felt someone pulling him away. He moaned and struggled against the force, trying to break out of the person's grip. _Why wouldn't they let him find her?_

Before he knew it he was being dragged down the stairs. He couldn't comprehend anything. He couldn't focus. The stairs, the firemen, it was all a haze. He struggled to breathe through the coughs that suddenly wracked his body.

He wheezed and gasped until suddenly he saw open sky and there was air again.

He heard voices around him saying something about smoke inhalation and getting him checked out by paramedics. But, not much registered other than his failure to save her.

His vision blurred around the edges and he felt everything go fuzzy. In a matter of moments, his legs gave out and he slumped onto the sidewalk across from the apartment building. He buried his head into his hands finally succumbed to the fatigue.

* * *

When he woke he was in a hospital bed. He blinked a few times, groggy, his mind dulled by the effects of whatever the paramedics had given him. He faintly registered the beeping of the heart monitor.

"He's awake." He heard a familiar voice say. "Thank God, Castle, you scared us."

Lanie. That was Lanie's voice. What was going on? Why was he here?

The events of the night suddenly flooded his brain. Panic shot like adrenaline through his veins. He couldn't be here. _No. He had to find Kate._

He tried to sit up in the bed and pull his covers down. A rush of blood flowed to his head and the room swayed slightly.

"Whoa, whoa, Castle, hang on. You can't go anywhere," Lanie said, reaching out to try and grab his arm. For the first time, he noticed Lanie's appearance. She looked about as good as he felt.

He growled, "Like hell, Lanie! I've got to find her!"

"Castle," she spoke softly. "You've got to calm down. Javi and Kevin are searching as we speak. Gates set up a team. But you can't go anywhere right now. You inhaled a lot of smoke and you've got a nasty concussion. And your mother and Alexis are downstairs getting coffee. You've got to be here when they come back up."

He moaned and laid his head back against the pillow. How could he just lay here when Kate was missing. When that son of a bitch Maddox was out there.

"Lanie," he said, voice breaking. "I can't lose her…I can't."

"I know, Rick, I know," she said squeezing his hand. "They'll find her."

* * *

But they didn't find her that night. Or the next day.

Rick was released from the hospital the following morning with instructions to take it easy for a few days. A sprained wrist, a minor case of smoke inhalation, and a concussion. None of it compared to the pain he felt every time he thought of Kate.

He shrugged off his mother's and Alexis's protests as he joined Ryan and Esposito in the search. There was no way in hell he was sitting in the loft while she was out there somewhere, hurting.

Once the firemen cleared the apartment for inspection, he accompanied the boys and the rest of the team there to search for anything that might help. Any clues that Maddox may have left. But there was nothing.

Nothing except for the note he'd stuffed into his pocket that night and the knife on the counter, which was surprisingly unaffected by the explosion and fire.

He didn't know what to think. The note indicated that Kate was dead. The picture of Johanna seemingly their clue as to how Maddox had killed her. But, there was no body. Nothing but the blood stains on the floor and on the knife. Kate's blood.

He couldn't bring himself to imagine Maddox touching her, hurting her. _She couldn't be dead. _He growled in frustration and it took every ounce of self-restraint to not rip the note to shreds. He wanted to scream, punch something, _someone._

_Maddox._

The name haunted his mind. It pulsed and burned through his veins, stirring a rage he'd never known before.

If he ever found him Maddox...

_When_ he found him.

He hurled his empty glass as hard as he could, watching as it collided violently against the wall and smashed, breaking into pieces.

* * *

Days turned to weeks until a month went by with nothing but dead ends. And while Gates didn't officially close the investigation, they'd all but given up. Too much time had passed. Every moment was crucial when someone was missing. At this point it seemed hopeless.

They'd held a memorial for Kate, at Gates's suggestion. "If there is any chance she's out there alive, Mr. Castle, and Cole Maddox realizes it, he'll be hunting her, as well. It's best we treat this like the murder he planned for it to be."

As much as it hurt, he had to agree. He'd do anything to keep her safe. But that day had been one of the worst in his life. He'd shuddered at the all too painful memories. He didn't want to memorialize Kate, he had to keep believing.

Time passed and his body healed but his heart ached. He found himself wishing at times he'd died in the explosion. He felt like something had died inside him that night. The thought scared him but he pushed it aside. What was life without her? Without what they had?

He knew it was selfish. That he wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't being the father Alexis needed. That his friends and his family were worried. He knew he needed to do something. But, nothing filled the void of her absence.

He stepped into his shower, turning the water up to just below scorching. He enjoyed the way it burned and stung his skin as the spray cascaded over his body. Like cauterizing his wounds. Letting the physical pain burn away the steady ache inside. He laid his head back against the smooth tile. He had to get a grip on this. Had to do _something._ No more going through the 12th. He was done with dead ends and blind searches. He was done reporting to someone.

It was time for a new plan.

If he couldn't find Maddox then, he'd make damn sure Maddox came to him.

And it was in that moment that he found purpose again.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **I have to say, it's so awesome getting everyone's reactions to this story. Your reviews make me smile. To the anon. reviewer who I have no way to reply to, thank you so much. You brightened my day :) Hope you'll see this! Anyway, without further ado, here is Chapter 6!

**Disclaimer:** Down to single digits til AWM gives us an awesome premiere!

* * *

**Chapter 6**

He didn't sleep that night. Not that he'd been sleeping much anyway. But, for once his mind was buzzing with ideas. It felt good. Well, maybe not _good_ but at least useful. It felt like he was moving towards something again. He finally pushed himself up and out of bed, making his way toward his study. He needed to be writing this stuff down.

The funny thing was, he had Paula to thank for the idea that he'd originally turned down. He didn't even want to consider it when she'd first brought it up. It was something he thought that Kate should be a part of. Something they'd been planning…before that night.

_The Johanna Beckett Scholarship Banquet. _

They'd just barely begun to work on the early stages a couple of months ago, with Paula. Just as he'd meant for it to be when he first suggested it to Kate, a way to remember her mother and aid students in continuing to fight for justice like Johanna Beckett had done. Kate had been excited about finally having the opportunity to pull the details together. Of course, to Paula it was excellent publicity.

And now it had become her main goal ever since Kate's…_disappearance_. That's what people were calling it, anyway. He thought it was just how they'd decided to tiptoe around him. That if they didn't say the word _death_ that he wouldn't know that's what they all thought.

He scoffed. Let them all think that. He would not give up.

Paula knew better than to bug him about writing at this point. So her tactic had become, _"Rick, this would a great way for you to show people you're still working toward a cause and you'd be honoring both Kate and her mother."_

He'd told her to leave him alone. That now wasn't the time. That _when_ they found Kate, was when they'd hold the banquet. Truthfully, he just couldn't handle the thought of it. Having to acknowledge everything that had happened and plan the banquet without her by his side.

But now he realized that it was perfect really. If Maddox wanted him dead…If Maddox was so fixated on Kate and her mother's murder, there's no way he'd stay away from such an event. And, if Kate was still alive, if there was any way she was out there somewhere, she'd know he was still fighting. That he hadn't given up.

It was like a dam had broken in his mind. The words flooded everything, spilling out of his mind and onto page after page. The need to pour it all out onto paper and organize his thoughts overwhelmed him. So he wrote. He wrote until his arm ached and his hand was covered in ink. All evidence of the task before him. He'd never used his laptop much for brainstorming. Hard for people to believe with his love for everything technological. But with this, he was old school. He preferred the feel of a pen in his hand. Tangible thoughts. Written words on paper. It just felt right.

* * *

He woke sometime the next morning to Alexis shaking him. He raised his head off his desk, looking up into his daughter's worried eyes.

"Dad, are you ok?" she asked cautiously.

He shrugged his shoulders back and stretched out his neck, grimacing slightly as it cracked.

"Yeah sweetheart, I must have just fallen asleep writing," he explained. "What are you doing home?"

"My only class today was cancelled and I just thought maybe we could get lunch or watch a movie or something," she said, looking at him hopefully.

He glanced at his watch. 11:37 a.m. "Yeah, yeah. Sure, pumpkin. Let me get a shower and we'll go."

"Really? Cause if you're busy working on a chapter I don't want to interrupt. It's been… a while since you've written."

"No, it's fine. It's not…Nikki," he said softly, trying to disguise the remorse in his voice at saying the name.

Alexis wrapped her arms around him suddenly. "I miss her too, you know. I love you Daddy. I just want us to be ok again."

His swallowed the lump building in his throat at the realization that his daughter was hurting too. That he was probably contributing to her hurting all the more. "I love you too, Alexis." He squeezed back tightly, realizing briefly that he probably needed the hug just as much as she did. He'd gotten a lot done this morning. He could take a few hours for his daughter.

* * *

He called Paula later that afternoon once Alexis headed back to her dorm. She was thrilled with his change of heart. Too busy droning on about how fantastic this was going to be to even question what changed his mind. He tuned her out mostly, acknowledging her questions with brief yes's and no's at all the right times, while his mind still churned with everything he needed to set in motion.

He put Paula on speakerphone so he could take off his shirt. He examined his torso in the mirror. His bruises had almost completely faded from that night. His sprained wrist, no longer sore to the touch. He thought back to Kate's bruises from Maddox the weeks following her encounter with him on the roof. How she'd described their fight. That Maddox had tossed her around like it was nothing for him. Her training barely making her a match against his skills.

He'd gotten softer in the last few years of shadowing Kate. His biceps still retained some muscle and he wasn't completely out of shape, but he needed to be stronger, quicker, more agile. He needed training if he was going to fight Maddox. A _lot_ of training if he had any hope of ending this.

At least he was an excellent shot. His heart warmed at the memory of surprising Kate with that fact, so early on in their partnership. _We could always just cuddle, Castle._ The look on her face when he put emptied 3 shots directly into the chest of the target. Even back then, their chemistry had been electric. Sparks igniting between them with the thinly disguised sexual banter that teased and completely turned him on. They'd been through so much over the years. He sighed as the warmth of the memory faded, replaced by the resignation that he may never see her again, may never touch her again. _Damnit_, he was not going to let this be it.

So he turned his thoughts back to his plan. The problem was that he had a feeling this was not going to be a gunfight. Every time he envisioned it all he could picture was stabbing that knife directly into Maddox's heart. He wasn't usually a violent man, but then again, no one had ever taken someone he loved from him. This was _different_. This was _Kate._ He'd stop at nothing. He could feel the steady burn of anger building inside him again. Did it ever leave him these days?

"Paula, I'm going to have to call you back," he stated abruptly, cutting off her ramble about possible venues. He swiftly ended the call and made his way back to his study where he opened up his laptop.

Time to do a little research.

* * *

He poured over websites. Martial arts, jujitsu, MMA, everything he could think of. He'd done a lot of research for Derrick Storm about different fighting philosophies. He'd even shadowed a few people in the past, with the hope that he could make his fight scenes more realistic.

By dinnertime he'd booked a top-notch physical trainer and set up several appointments with private instructors for fighting. He reclined in his desk chair, letting the actions of the day sink in. It wasn't going to happen overnight. But it _was _going to happen. He would make it happen.

He pulled the note out of his wallet for the hundredth time, analyzing its contents again.

"_I just thought you'd like to know how I ended your girlfriend's life."_

It never failed to make his blood boil. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself again. But that's the part he didn't understand. If Maddox had killed Kate why would he bother taking her body? Why wouldn't they have at least found her purse and phone in the apartment? Even if Maddox had moved Kate, he wouldn't have let her take that. Nothing in the note indicated any sort of game. No reason why he'd have moved anything. Kate's voice echoed in his mind, _"Sometimes there is no story. Sometimes the guy is just a psychopath."_

Yet, how many times had Castle been right in the past? That there _was_ something that made it make sense. That were _was_ a story. People did things for a reason. Even if that reason was just that they were crazy. But Maddox…Maddox wasn't necessarily crazy. He was smart. He'd been trained. He was a calculated, cold-blooded assassin. There would be a reason. Maddox meant to kill Kate that night and he wanted Rick to see her, to know that he failed, to know that his dying thought would be that he couldn't save her.

So why was there no body?

Where was Kate?

When they'd investigated the apartment there was a spot against the wall they'd concluded Kate had been slumped, presumably just like her mother in the picture. The blood stains on the floor that he'd seen that night, trailing to a considerably larger amount of blood there. So why would Maddox set up a scene to mirror that picture then take the body?

Again, he clenched the note in his hand, frustrated. It didn't make sense.

He had to believe she was out there somewhere.

He _would _make sense of this. This wasn't a story he was ready to concede the ending to yet.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: **Yay for sneaking away to get wireless internet to post! Need to send a huge thank you to my wonderful "muse" Angie who talked me through a significant portion of chapters to come so that I could get back to posting. She's the best! Also, thank you to each and every one of you who have reviewed, followed, and favorited. Can't say how awesome it is to hear your thoughts on the story!

**Disclaimer:** None of Castle belongs to me.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Flashback  
**

The pain was blinding, threatening to overtake her again. She'd already blacked out once just inside the doorway, dropping her phone to the ground with a crack. It had happened so fast. She'd never even seen him coming.

One moment she was preparing to text Castle, the next she was doubled over, struggling to breathe. The knife digging deeper with each thrust into her side. She tried to swing at the force but every movement was dizzying. Every punch, every kick, miserably insufficient against his strength. Even worse, he seemed to be enjoying it because once again, he knew he had the upper hand. Could have stayed her off with a single hand due to her injury. Her _weakness._ But that didn't stop her from fighting back even if it wasn't enough. She swung until couldn't take it anymore, her body giving in at last to the sweet, numbing darkness.

And now she was propped against the wall in her living room, watching helplessly as Maddox paced in front of her, knife still in hand, covered in blood. Her blood. It was sickening. _He_ was sick. Brutal, unrelenting and determined, it appeared. She felt the room swaying again. She blinked slowly and tried to muster any ounce of strength to move, but it was useless. She could barely breathe, let alone do anything to stop him. The pain sliced through her stomach, her chest. God, it hurt _everywhere_.

Damnit, she had to try something. _Anything._ Kate Beckett didn't go down without a fight. She'd vowed to bring a war. Of course, she'd failed miserably that day on the roof too. And here she was, still not strong enough. Would she ever be strong enough? She'd finally felt whole again after they'd put her mother's case to rest, after allowing herself to become part of something more with Castle, and now she was going to lose everything. She felt the tears pooling her eyes and angrily brushed at them before they could fall. She refused to cry in front of her assassin.

But she would do whatever it took to stop him. Even if it meant begging at this point.

"Please," she managed to speak. "Please, don't do this Maddox. It doesn't have to be this way."

He just laughed. It chilled her to the bone.

"So naïve, Ms. Beckett, to think that I wouldn't end this. That you weren't still alive solely because I let you go that day. That I couldn't kill you _anytime_ I wanted. That I can't kill _him_ whenever I want."

She couldn't stop the moan that escaped. "Don't you dare touch him, you son of a bitch, he has nothing to do with this. I'm the one you were sent to kill."

He laughed again. "Oh but Kate, he's every bit as involved. And I don't leave loose ends."

She watched helplessly as he moved to her kitchen counter and placed the knife there, taking his time to place a piece of paper and something that looked like a picture next to it. And then he disappeared into her bedroom for a moment. When he appeared again he'd retrieved a small wrapped box. What was that? _Oh God, no. _

She'd seen boxes like that before during some of her training. It didn't take long to put two and two together. He was going to blow up her apartment. Probably had every intention of setting it to explode when Castle arrived.

_And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it._

Her phone was still on the floor in the doorway next to her purse that had also fallen when she'd blacked out. So close, if she could only move. She tried to reach her leg out and pain ripped through her body, sending white sparks across and into her vision. Damnit. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't even think straight. Her thoughts bending and swirling violently with each passing second.

She had the sudden realization that she was going to die. That after all the times she'd come so close, this was it. She could only pray that somehow the bomb went off before Castle arrived. That Maddox didn't have it set up right. That maybe, just maybe there was one more miracle out there to save Castle.

Anger and despair overwhelmed her. If only she wasn't so weak. _Too weak._ She could feel the life draining out of her with every beat of her heart. And she was shivering uncontrollably. Her mind suddenly flashed to the freezer, the last time she'd felt this chilled to the bone. She'd been in Castle's arms. Fully prepared to die that day. At least she'd been with him then. At least they were together. She felt the tears streaming down her face. She didn't bother to stop them now. She'd never get to say goodbye. She'd never hold the man she loved with all of her broken, barely beating heart again. She closed her eyes and sank in to the black void. _So cold._

* * *

Moments later…or was it minutes, hours? She had no idea. But she still couldn't breathe, couldn't open her eyes. She faintly recognized that strong arms were pulling her up. Oh, oh Castle. _Castle was here. _ Castle was going to save her. It had to be him, right? Everything was fine now. _Just keep breathing._

"Grab her purse and phone," she heard a commanding female voice say. "We need to get her out of here quick. No time for anything else, just go! I'll make sure everything looks untouched."

She tried once again to open her eyes but everything was still black. She needed to see him. Needed to be sure. But, everything was still so dark and blurred. She barely registered the fact that she was moving. _Oh, Castle. _She desperately tried to cling to the feeling. But it was all just too much.

* * *

When she woke next, she was in a mostly bare room, hooked up to a monitor, and in so much pain she actually prayed for the darkness to return. She tried to bite her lip to keep from moaning but couldn't restrain the sound. It hurt so much. Where was Castle? _God, she needed him now._

Before she could really register anything, a man in scrubs was touching something on the IV in her arm. She felt the drugs beginning a slow numbing course through her veins. As the pain dulled she slipped back under, completely content to feel nothing at all.

Except this time, there were dreams. Dreams of blood and fire. Of Castle kneeling over her body, pleading with her to stay with him. Of her funeral, her father crying above her coffin as it was lowered into the ground. Of Cole Maddox's face, taunting her, telling her how weak she was, how she'd failed. How because of her failure, Castle would die. From one image to the next, she thrashed and flailed but could never escape the endless reel of nightmares. Was she trapped in her own personal hell?

When she finally broke into consciousness, her eyes met a familiar face. Stunned, she could only stare at the woman sitting in the chair next to her bed. Agent Jordan Shaw. She blinked, confused, trying to gather her thoughts. To piece together the puzzle that she didn't even know where to begin to solve. _What the hell was going on?_

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:** Is everyone as absolutely dead from watching ATS as I am?! Flawless. Although, I do wish we'd have had a kiss. Sigh, future eps! That hug was perfection anyway! We're now firmly in AU since in real Castle land, Cole Maddox is finally gone! Hopefully you'll still enjoy this different journey into what could have happened. This next chapter is finally going to clear up some questions about Maddox and what's going on with Kate. I really hope you like it! Oh, and we're still in flashback as we explore Kate's point of view. Thank you guys so much for your continued flailing at this story. You all are the best! And if I haven't gotten back to your review/messages, it's only because I STILL don't have internet.

**Disclaimer: **I'm kinda glad I don't own Castle. Because I could never come close to writing something as amazing as AWM.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"Detective Beckett, glad to see you awake," she said. "You gave us a pretty good scare for a while there."

Kate tried to clear her throat, realizing just how dry her mouth was, as Agent Shaw passed her a cup of water.

"Thanks," she managed to choke out. "No offense, Agent Shaw but where the hell am I?"

"FBI safe house," she responded, apology written in her features.

_Shit._ That meant…what did that mean? Where was Castle? Was he okay? If she was in a safe house that meant they couldn't have gotten Maddox, right? The questions flooded her mind. She tried to sit up and grimaced as a wave of pain shot through her abdomen.

"Kate, you nearly died 36 hours ago. I promise I'll tell you everything that happened. But…you've got to promise me you're not going to do anything stupid once I do," Agent Shaw said.

Kate growled in frustration. Whatever this was, it couldn't be good. "I don't exactly have a choice now do I?" she said bitterly, sighing.

Agent Shaw shrugged. "I know you, Detective, as soon as you can walk, you'd be doing whatever you could to sneak out of here. But you need to know that if you do, you're just putting Mr. Castle in more danger."

Kate closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the bed and tried to even her breathing. She couldn't break down right now. Not with Agent Shaw sitting there and who knows who else ready to barge in here and pump her full of drugs again. She focused on the relaxation methods Dr. Burke had taught her back when she was having the panic attacks. Count to ten. _Just breathe, Kate._

"I won't do anything stupid," she said finally. _At least not until I can move, _she silently added. "Just tell me everything," she managed to grit out.

Agent Shaw sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "When your team took down the Dragon, we'd been tracking the case, as well. We'd always suspected it went high enough up that it warranted FBI attention. So even though you got your proof to put away the Senator, we still had Maddox flagged in our system too. We traced several other deaths to hits he'd been paid to carry out. But he was always one step ahead of us, slipping away before we could find him."

She paused for a moment. "I know you probably believed that his contract to kill you would become irrelevant once you closed your mother's case. We had no reason to suspect anything different, otherwise I'd have contacted your captain and warned you. Immediately following the takedown, we tracked him out to California for a few weeks. Then, he seemed to jump around a lot throughout the mid-west. It wasn't until a week ago that we spotted activity in New York. Again, we had no real reason to suspect that he'd come after you. But this was the first time we had strong, traceable leads, so Agent Christopher and I flew in."

"The day you were stabbed, we received a hit on a credit card we'd traced to him but had been inactive for about a year. It was in your neighborhood, which, at the time we didn't know. When we got there, I noticed the police cruiser for the 12th and I just knew. I can't tell why you, Kate, but it just clicked. Gut feeling, I guess," she paused, looking at her apologetically again.

"By the time we found your apartment, he was gone and you were passed out against the wall. He'd clearly left you under the belief that you were dead or at least so far gone that you would be before anyone arrived. So, I made a tactical decision that the best thing to do at that point was to get you out and leave everything untouched."

Kate gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. "But, the bomb? Castle! How could you just leave without warning him?!" she exclaimed furiously.

Agent Shaw raised her hand in the air and cut her off. "We didn't know about the bomb. There was a note and we knew that Maddox included him in some sort of plan. But we also knew we had a limited amount of time to get you out. You were almost dead, Kate. And we couldn't risk Maddox believing you were still alive. If we'd moved things, alerted people, he would have known, and he certainly wouldn't have stopped. We have leads now…strong leads…"

"Bullshit! You risked my partner's life so you could get those leads!" Kate exclaimed furiously, gritting her teeth.

"He's fine Kate. Castle is fine," Agent Shaw said.

"That's not the point!" she argued fiercely.

Agent Shaw sighed again, wearily. "Look, I know you're upset."

"Like hell I'm upset! I watched the man who has now tried to kill me three times, set up a bomb in _my_ apartment, right in front of me, to kill Rick, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. And _you_ could have! So yes, I'm more than a little upset," she seethed.

"I made a decision to save your life, Kate. If we had more time, we would have found the bomb. But our concern was on you. If we had spent any more time in there, you would have died. I will not apologize for making that decision. We sent an agent to follow Castle and ensure Maddox didn't try to come after him. That's how we were able to have such a quick response when your apartment exploded. The firemen got him out within a few minutes. We have a protective detail on him now. Maddox is not going to get to him. And if anything at all looks suspicious, we're prepared to take him into protective custody too. But, if you leave here…if you do anything that gives away the fact that you are still alive, you risk not only your own life but Rick's too."

Kate couldn't believe this was happening. Not only could Castle have died but now she was stuck in this hell. Her world was crashing down around her and once again, there was nothing she could do about it. She could barely breathe, let alone attempt moving. As much as she hated to admit it, Agent Shaw was right about one thing, if Maddox knew she was alive, he'd stop at nothing to kill her and Castle. She was so damn helpless. She gritted her teeth, frustration showing in every line of her face.

"We're going to get Maddox, Detective. And we won't let him get to Castle," Agent Shaw stated, her voice as sharp as steel.

Kate reached for the button controlling the pain medication in her IV. If she couldn't do anything but lay there powerless, she didn't want to feel anything either. It was all too much. If she couldn't see Castle, couldn't protect Castle, she might as well not be conscious to witness the rest of her world fall apart.

* * *

Agent Shaw watched as Kate drifted back into sleep, numbed by the drugs. She knew it was only a matter of time before Kate would heal and it'd be hell trying to keep her from going after Maddox. All she could hope was that they'd get Maddox before then. Between Rick Castle and Kate Beckett, one or both of them would try something stupid and get themselves killed. And she couldn't fault either of them. She'd witnessed their unconventional partnership. One that had since grown into something they'd all seen long before either Kate or Castle was willing to acknowledge its existence.

They were good people who deserved more than constant battles against people like Maddox. Good people who had rescued her when she needed it.

That's why it pained her even more that she was going to have to put them through this. That she may have to manipulate them in the process. But, she'd do what she needed to do. Cole Maddox was going to pay for the lives he'd taken. She would make sure of that.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: **I'm so excited for new Castle tomorrow that I decided to go ahead and post this chapter! So yay for quick updates :) I hope you are all still enjoying this "bucket of utter heartbreak" as Nic (ColieMackenzie) called it. Thank you guys so so much for your reviews. They're pretty much what makes me keep writing, even when I feel stuck. Special shout out to purplangel who has been so supportive and awesome throughout writing this story! You guys all make me smile! Just a quick note, we're jumping back to closer to where this story began. So now we are 5 months after Kate was attacked by Maddox and only a few weeks from where we were in the first chapter! Hope that all makes sense!

**Disclaimer: **Does anyone else get tired of these things? I will never own Castle or officially write for it. Although, that'd be a dream job.

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**Chapter 9**

**5 Months after Kate's Disappearance**

She sucked in a deep breath, chest heaving, sweat dripping down her forehead. She reached a hand up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and pulled at her ponytail, attempting to re-tighten it.

She paused for a moment to take a swig from her water bottle and turned her iPod up to full volume. She needed this. The loud, angry beat of the song only fueling the fire that blazed within her veins. "_There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface, consuming, confusing…"_ Ha. That certainly was accurate.

Kate was incredibly restless, entirely sick of being in this place. Cut off from the real world, from her family and friends. Most of all from Castle. Every day was the exact same. All she really could do was work out or read. They wouldn't let her leave the house except to sit on the back porch. At least she'd found a way to sneak a look at the _Times_ occasionally. Her only real connection to the outside world.

She was torn, stir-crazy, and heartbroken. But every time she thought of leaving, of breaking out, Agent Shaw's words echoed in her head. _If you do anything that gives away the fact that you are still alive, you risk not only your life but Rick's too_.

Every time she thought of escaping, she could hear them. She'd fought with Jordan Shaw over and over during those first few weeks and again once she finally began to heal. She wanted out. She wanted to see him. To know he was safe and alive and not doing anything reckless. Agent Shaw promised her that everything was fine and continued to tell her that what was best for them was to stay hidden. She didn't want to risk Castle's life did she?

_It wasn't enough._

She slammed her fist into the bag. Frustration overwhelming her senses. She'd do anything to keep Castle safe. But, she couldn't help feeling like she could accomplish that so much better by his side. Not holed up in this prison, hiding from the world. Kate Beckett didn't hide, she hunted. She fought. She did everything she could to protect those she loved. It was against every fiber in her being to not go to him. To not go after Maddox. Yet, she'd already failed at that hadn't she?

She couldn't protect Castle that day. He'd just gotten lucky. Maybe it _was_ better for her to stay away, as much as it was killing her inside.

Agent Shaw swore if anything suspicious happened they'd have Castle in protective custody too. She wanted to trust her. It was just…she'd already damaged that trust the day Maddox returned. She'd just let Castle walk into a trap. No warning, nothing. Kate couldn't shake the feeling that Shaw was more concerned with finding Maddox than either her or Castle's safety.

She bounced on her feet, fists clenched, ready to attack the bag again. Alternating left and right she pounded away as hard as she could, feeling a sense of satisfaction as she dodged the bag's violent sways. The rage energized her, gave her purpose, reminded her that she was _alive_. She delivered several swift kicks to the bag, rounding on it as it swung from its chain. She wouldn't quit until her body gave out.

A few hours passed while she continued to make work of the bag, switching to some weights for a little while, before resuming her training. She glanced up at the clock on the wall and felt a faint trace of a smile on her face. A new record. Well, a record since that night anyway. Her body was finally recovering as they'd told her it would. She'd gotten the all clear to go back to working out after month two.

It hadn't been as hard as she expected, honestly. She guessed that was at least one thing she'd learned from taking a bullet that summer a couple years ago. Made her attuned to the pain and the time it took to heal. She knew her body's limits now, even if she didn't always heed them.

What it hadn't done, however, was taken away the anger or the remorse she felt. She clenched her fist around the white towel in her hand before tossing it back on the bench. The workouts helped to release some of the rage but they didn't distract her enough. She couldn't hide from her sense of failure. It ate away at her every single day, haunting her thoughts.

Then there was the pain that wasn't physical. It ached more than she could have ever imagined. And it never subsided, never dulled in the slightest. She thought she'd been through the worst during that hellish summer. Tucked away up in her father's cabin, alone, with a hole in her chest. But she'd been wrong. There was nothing like this, nothing like almost dying for the second time, this time knowing exactly what she would be losing. _Castle._

Now that she knew what it was like. Knew every part of him. Had finally allowed herself to experience an all-consuming love, it felt like her own heart was being ripped out with each plunge of the knife into her skin. There was nothing she could do to stop Maddox in that moment, nothing she could do as she watched him rig the bomb, and she hated herself for her weakness.

But, it did push her to work harder. It got her out of bed every morning and kept her in the safe house gym til late at night. She had to harness the pain, let it rebuild her, empower her, and she hoped beyond hope that it would allow her a second chance to save him. Cole may believe she was dead but that wasn't going to stop him from eventually coming after Castle. No matter how protection Jordan Shaw thought the FBI could provide for him, it wouldn't be enough.

Damn them for keeping her locked up in here. They must know she was only biding her time. Recovering so she could fight again. Building up her strength and her speed. And when the time was right, no one would hold her back. When it was safe for Castle, she was out of here. Whenever she had a real, solid plan. As much as she ached to run away, she valued his life too much. It was perhaps the sole thing that could keep her here, just biding her time. She had to do whatever was necessarily to ensure he was safe.

She pulled her now drenched tank top up and over her head, tossing it into the pile of dirty gym clothes she was accumulating, as she made her way to the bathroom. She turned the knob on the shower, pausing in front of the mirror giving the water time to heat.

She examined the new scars in her side, tracing the almost completely healed skin with the tip of her finger. She could still feel the knife, ripping away at her flesh. Could still see the blood coursing out of her onto the floor. Could still hear his evil laughter. She shivered unconsciously and moved away from the mirror, stepping into the shower. She closed her eyes and let the water cleanse her body, wishing it could somehow cleanse her soul instead.

_Soon_, she promised herself. Soon she would be out of here and nothing would get in her way.

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_Thoughts?_


	10. Chapter 10

**AN**: Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed seeing Kate's progress over the time that has passed. If last chapter was the "sweaty Kate" chapter than this one is the "sweaty Rick" chapter. :) Dedicating this one to ER! We're just starting to gear up for some upcoming action. Hope you all like it and as always, thanks for the kind words! I really can't emphasize enough how awesome it is to hear your reactions to chapters.

**Disclaimer**: Castle belongs to AWM. And ABC. Although, I'd argue that *we* do a better job promoting it!

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**Chapter 10**

**Still around 5 Months after Kate's disappearance**

It felt so damn good. He reached to pull his sweat-soaked shirt up and over his chest, throwing it on the floor of the gym. He pulled out a clean, white shirt to replace it, and changed into his running shoes.

He understood now why Kate loved sparring. She'd always gone up to the gym after a rough day. Worked it out on the bag. She'd come home sweaty, exhausted, and with a much clearer head. Of course he'd always found it incredibly hot. He spent many a time trying to convince her that post-sparring sex would be phenomenal. She'd roll her eyes at him but always eventually give in and drag him into the shower with her. Her need was almost feral those times, blood still pumping with adrenaline. And oh did he love being the subject of all that excess energy.

So he was used to the effect that sparring had on her. But he'd never completely understood why she needed it before now.

The rush of the fight. The back and forth, the strength, the speed, the power. The sense of release. Release he desperately sought since that night. It was invigorating, igniting his every sense, fueled by the burning rage that refused to leave him. The slow and steady drive toward Cole Maddox. The fight that he _would_ win. His instructors seemed impressed with his progress. He'd improved quickly over the months. They told him that if he put in the work, he'd get there.

So he had. He'd lost weight, toned muscle, even had the slightest hint of abs. His body leaner than it had been in years, facial features more pronounced, chiseled. But what his instructors were most impressed with was his stamina. He'd done everything they'd asked of him in training. Long hours spent running, sparring, lifting weights. It didn't matter if he was sore or tired or completely drained, he kept going. So many nights he'd come home completely spent, collapsing on his bed, just to get up and do it all over the next day.

He didn't think twice about it. About the worried looks he received from his mother and daughter. The calls from Epso and Ryan asking him to grab a beer that he always turned down. He was too focused to lose sight of the goal now. Because that's what she would have done for him. He would do anything, _anything_ to find her.

He turned the volume on his iPhone up, getting ready for his daily run, as he left the private gym where he'd been training. Once the music was sufficiently blaring he set a steady pace.

The last three months had passed surprisingly quickly once he'd formed his plan. It helped to have a goal. Something tangible to move toward. But it still did nothing to fill the glaring space left by her absence from his loft. From his life. It burned and pulled at him, left him feeling completely defeated most days but resigned to the fight and the drive.

He hadn't quit investigating. He _couldn't_ quit investigating. There was nothing that would stop him from searching until he found her. He'd just had to find new ways. He'd been completely disgusted with the Twelfth. He knew it wasn't the boys' fault that they'd, for all intents and purposes, stopped the investigation. But that didn't take away the bitterness he felt. They were all supposed to be a team.

But he didn't have his partner. Again, there was the silent ache that never left. The void that couldn't be filled. There was no team in this and he'd realized that months ago, when they'd all tried to convince him the best thing to do was to accept she was dead. That she wasn't coming back to him. They'd been through everything, no leads, nothing.

"_Castle, you know if there was anything out there, we'd be on it immediately, regardless of Gates's orders. But there's nothing, man. We're sorry."_

He didn't get it. He would never understand. Since when did everyone just give up? They'd always done everything they could for Beckett. And now it was as if everyone was ready to concede defeat before they even began.

So that was the end of that. They'd tried to get him to come back and work on other cases with them occasionally. Even Gates had said he was welcome to consult, as if that would pacify his need to solve Kate's case. There was no way he was stepping back into the precinct to work on anything but finding her.

He'd basically shut them out from that point onward. He would do this on his own. His own way. After he started the ball rolling on the banquet, he'd continued digging. He wasn't getting anywhere though. The boys hadn't lied. There really were no leads. He had the only evidence they'd found, in that note from Maddox.

She'd simply vanished. A ghost haunting his dreams and memories. Here and gone, no trace of her absence except for the gaping hole in his chest where he'd let her into his heart. His entire soul.

He needed bigger resources.

He knew he couldn't go to the CIA. Not after things with Sofia. He couldn't trust those connections now. But there was always FBI. Agent Shaw. She tracked murderers. Studied the way they thought. Anticipated their movements. Brought justice when the killer was so elusive they never thought it'd be possible. Maybe, just maybe, she'd agree to help him.

It shocked him how easy it had been to get into contact with her. Almost as if she had been anticipating it…expecting it. And they'd been in contact ever since. She was the only one that seemed to understand his mission and his need to track down Maddox. She'd done all that she could to help him. She actually encouraged his plan. It was the support he'd desperately needed to keep afloat.

She'd provided him little leads all along the way. Information that indicated Maddox hadn't strayed too far from Manhattan. Unfortunately, she'd found nothing about Kate or her whereabouts.

He couldn't lie. It frustrated him. He'd been hoping with the heightened resources, they'd be able to find _something_. _Anything._ But all signs seemed to only further direct his focus to the assassin. And Agent Shaw seemed every bit as determined as he was to bring him down.

He believed with his entire being that the banquet would afford him the opportunity to confront Maddox. He needed answers every bit as much as he sought revenge for Kate's disappearance (_not_ death, he'd not concede that until he was sure). He vowed to find those answers. He vowed to kill Maddox if those answers were anything less than Kate's return.

There was definitely no turning back now. The banquet was scheduled in just one month. The details were almost all taken care of. A huge spread in the _Times_ would appear in a week. He'd spared no expense on publicity. He was leaving no chance that Maddox wouldn't discover it. And when he did, Castle hoped that it would enrage him. He wanted Maddox angry, wanted him to throw this in his face. The son of a bitch would be well aware that Rick Castle wasn't going down without a fight. And when Maddox came for him, this time he wouldn't get away with a sucker punch.

He was going to bring the war that Kate hadn't had the opportunity to. Cole Maddox would go down in flames for what he'd done. He would make sure of that.

As Rick jogged to a stop in front of the loft, he checked his time. A new record. Yes, Maddox wasn't going to know what hit him. He'd made damn sure of that.

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_Thoughts?_


	11. Chapter 11

**AN:** Hey guys! Sorry about the slightly longer wait for the update. I got a little distracted by the amazingness that was "Secret's Safe with Me" the other night! Still kind of flailing over it to be honest. Anyway, several of you questioned why Castle was so intent on Maddox. Just wanted to point out that in this AU world, Castle and Beckett have already solved her Mom's case and the Dragon is in jail so Maddox wasn't really a blip on their radar anymore. They just assumed he was a contract killer and without the Dragon out there he had no reason to come after them. Obviously, that's not what happened here so basically Castle is questioning everything he thought he knew and the only thing he can think to do is to go after Maddox or try to draw him back to get answers/revenge. And yes, he's pretty much obsessed and down the rabbit hole at this point because he's heartbroken and desperate to find Kate. So if, at times, his decisions seem a little irrational that's why. Hope that helps! Without further ado, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it! And as always I love to hear your reactions!

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**Chapter 11**

He was actually doing this. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he walked through the doors to the Twelfth. It had been months since he'd been through those doors. He couldn't help but grimace at the wealth of memories the building contained. The last of which were some of the most painful of his life.

So many hours spent there those first couple of weeks after Kate disappeared. Pouring over any record they could find about Maddox. All down to that last day. When Gates told them they were shelving the case. He'd confronted Esposito and Ryan. They'd argued and he'd walked out bitter, vowing to not come back until he found Kate.

And there were all the other memories.

He nodded to the guards as he passed. They looked surprised to see him again. The same guards he used to pass every single day with travel mugs of coffee and bear claws, en route to Kate.

All the years he'd spent hoping for a smile, a laugh, anything to brighten her morning. Years spent perfecting their good morning ritual. A way to bridge the space between them, a peace offering, his way of reaching her before he even truly understood how much she would mean to him.

Then, those days when they'd first begun their relationship and were still keeping it to themselves. She'd slip out of his apartment early to get to the precinct alone. He'd take his time, stop by her favorite coffee shop, and pretend like it wasn't the second time they'd said good morning.

The stolen kisses behind break room doors, subtle glances snuck between them (or thought they had), the excitement of everything new, so thrilling and precious.

And the way they'd come together as partners in all aspects of their lives. Those were the times that he treasured the most. When he was no longer walking in those precinct doors by himself with 2 cups of coffee. Instead, they'd walked in side by side. A team. Ready to take on each day _together_.

But this was new. Different in the worst kind of way. He couldn't deny the risk that he was taking going there. If he got caught he'd probably end up in jail, regardless of his ties to the precinct. He didn't know if Ryan or Espo would help him at this point or if they even _could_ help him. But he wasn't about to ask. Maybe if they hadn't all just given up. Hadn't acted like he was some sort of lost little puppy that they needed to take turns watching over. He wasn't just going to move on.

There was no _moving on_ from Kate.

He could move forward. He _had_ moved forward but he'd never move on. Because no matter how many times they tried to convince him, he could not believe she was dead.

Maybe it wasn't completely rational. Hell, in some ways it'd be easier to have the finality. He wouldn't feel better. He'd be a devastated, broken shell of a man, only half living if she was truly gone. But it was the not knowing that was eating him alive. The voice inside his head, nagging and ripping him to shreds. He had to solve this. He had to _know_.

He just couldn't shake the feeling that she was still out there. That even though there were no real leads, she wasn't dead. A living, breathing Kate Beckett would be so much harder to find. She was out there, somewhere. He just had to get answers.

So there would be no help from within the Twelfth. This was _his_ mission. The point that he had reached, been driven to. These several months a steady course toward a single destination.

He couldn't bring himself to worry about the consequences of getting caught. He simply wouldn't fail. Not when he was so close to ending this.

So he plastered a smile on his face and made his way to the elevator. Just stick to the plan. In and out, as quickly as possible without drawing attention. All he needed was twenty minutes. He'd planned as best as he could. Timing it so that it was late enough that there shouldn't be many uniforms still around but early enough that there was a chance he could pass his visit off on catching up with old friends if needed.

He just had to get into the evidence room. It shouldn't be _that_ difficult. It wasn't far from the bullpen. His mind flashed back to when Alexis had volunteered to help Beckett at the precinct. She'd worked in the evidence room for a week, cataloguing items. From his recollection it was almost always deserted back there. He sighed, remembering the way it had touched him at the time how willing Beckett was to help his daughter. How much Alexis had looked up to her. Again, the loss stung, causing the anger to stir within him. He couldn't escape it. He could only channel it these days. There was no use in reliving the past right now.

_Focus, Rick._

He walked the down the hallway to the bullpen as inconspicuously as possible, praying that there wouldn't be many detectives there. He knew from experience that it cleared out around 8:00 most nights. Even if it was only for the uniforms to grab a quick dinner before working well into the night.

He seemed to be in luck tonight. The only person that appeared to be working at the moment was Karpowski. She looked up, surprised, and smiled at him warmly. "Hey Castle, how are you?"

He schooled his features, slipping into the role he knew he had to play, securely in charm mode.

"I'm doing better. It's good to see you. Just thought I'd drop something off for the boys since I haven't seen them in a while. Mind if I grab something from the break room?" he asked, as nonchalantly as possible.

"Sure thing. I'm just finishing up some paperwork before heading out. Have a good night."

"I know the boys have missed having you around," she added, before turning back to her paperwork.

He walked away, breathing a sigh of relief. One obstacle down. He paused to make sure she wasn't watching him and slipped into the evidence room. This was the tough part. Finding the file. He was pretty sure he knew the general vicinity but he knew he didn't have much time, especially if Karpowski didn't leave soon.

About a year before, the precinct had finally updated their cataloguing system to be more efficient so, he was praying that the case materials would still be towards the front of the room. He began scanning the shelves, doing his best to look for anything referencing Maddox.

The minutes seemed to fly by as his pulse steadily increased. This was taking too damn long. Where was Kate's case file? He rounded the corner of a set of shelves and finally caught a glimpse of a medium sized box labeled "CM" in permanent marker.

Carefully removing it from the shelf, he peered inside, exhaling sharply at the sight of the object he sought. There it sat, glaring up at him from inside the plastic container.

_The knife._

Not wanting to waste time, he reached inside his jacket, retrieving the knife he'd brought with him. Popping open the lid of the container, he removed Maddox's knife, slipping it into his jacket pocket before replacing it with the substitute knife.

_Ok Rick, you got what you needed. Now it's time to go._

Except he just couldn't help his curiosity now that he was there. He had to know if there was anything else in the file. Anything that they'd kept from him. He just had to check.

He glanced at his watch. It'd been almost fifteen minutes.

He rifled through the box, glancing over his shoulder quickly. Pages of documents that meant nothing. Paperwork about the scene. Still nothing useful. Maybe they really didn't have anything more than him.

He startled at the sound of footsteps in the hallway. _Shit._ He scrambled to put everything back as the noise grew louder. He shoved the box back up into place, praying that he could duck down in time to avoid being seen.

Footsteps growing louder still, his heart pounded in his chest and he went down into a crouch. _Just keep walking. __Please keep walking._

The movement stopped. Seemingly just outside the doorway.

Seconds passed as he tried not to move. It felt like forever. He heard the click of the light switch and the room plunged into shadows. Then, finally, _finally_ the steps resumed, past the doorway and down the hall.

He let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, relief rushing over him. _That was way too close._ He stood back up, completely oblivious to the fact that in the process his jacket caught on the box. At his movement, it wobbled precariously, falling off the shelf.

Everything was in slow motion as he desperately lunged for the box, trying to prevent the inevitable disaster. He just barely managed to catch it before it hit but was unable to muffle the sound of his own collision with the floor.

He could only hope that whomever it was that had walked by was far enough down the hall that his fall couldn't be heard.

He reached to pick up a stapled set of papers that had escaped from the box on its descent from the shelf, prepared to stuff them back inside and get the hell out of there as fast as he could.

And that's when he saw her name. Both of their names. Gates and Shaw. His eyes widened as he greedily poured over the document of correspondences between the two of them, forgetting that he was in full view of the doorway.

What was this?

By the time he registered the footsteps again, it was too late.

"Castle? What the hell are you doing?"

_He was in so much trouble._


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: **Just a quick note: I wanted to make sure everyone read Chapter 11 that I posted last week. I'm not sure if ff net was being weird but it seemed to get a lot less views. So just in case you didn't, make sure you catch up since this chapter picks right up where we left off :) As always, thank you guys so much for your wonderful reviews/comments. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine!

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**Chapter 12**

"Esposito, I umm…"

He couldn't think of anything. His mind was still swimming with the words he'd found on those pages. The world completely thrown off kilter, yet again. One would think over time he'd be less surprised by the chaos that seemed to surround his life. But this one hit him hard.

He desperately struggled to compose himself. He needed to process everything. To think of something…_anything _to pacify Esposito. A very concerned looking Esposito, arms folded across his chest, waiting impatiently for an explanation.

"Bro, what are you doing here? Because I know what it _looks_ like you're doing and I really don't like where this is going," Espo said, eyeing him suspiciously.

Castle exhaled sharply. He'd worked out this whole elaborate story for the possibility of getting caught. About how he was looking for something of Kate's in the precinct that he'd forgotten to get when he collected her stuff months ago. Hopefully enough information to satisfy whoever discovered him but sensitive enough that they'd not pry for details.

But now…now he wasn't sure he could think clearly enough to pull it off. He didn't even have the energy to lie. His hands were still shaking, gripping the paper tightly. He'd pretty much been caught red handed. Clearly he wasn't looking for anything of Kate's with this evidence right there in front of him.

And on top of the fact that he'd been caught, he also had to know. His mind was waging a war within itself. Were they all lying to him? Was this some sort of a sick joke? He was dying to know if Esposito knew about this. Because if Espo knew, that changed everything. And he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to look at him the same again.

_Get it together, Rick_.

He forced himself to keep his voice steady. He had to be in control for this. He'd spent months learning how to bottle the rage and keep it at bay. A large part of his training had been about managing his reactions and learning to control emotion. To separate his instinct from anger and think through each decision. _Never let your opponent get in your head. _

So he took a deep breathe and did the only thing he thought he could do convincingly. Told the truth. Or at least a half of the truth.

He raised his hands in the air, hoping to look as pacifying as he could. "Espo, I know it looks bad. But there's something you need to see. Something I'm going to pray you don't already know about or else…or else I'm not really sure I know you at all. But I've got to know I can trust you on this, man."

Esposito looked at him curiously. "You should know you can trust me, Castle. None of us were exactly happy about Gates shutting us down. But you've gotta tell me what's going on. You can't just go sneaking around in here. What if it was someone else who'd walked up on you, bro?"

Castle sighed. "I know. I just…needed to look over the evidence one more time. And that's when I found this," he finished, handing the paper to Esposito. "Please tell me there's a good explanation for it because, I've got to say, I'm pretty sure that Gates never mentioned any of _that_ when she was dead set on keeping us off the case," he said, bitterly.

Esposito's eyes widened as he took in the details that Castle already couldn't erase from his mind.

"Gates and Shaw?! Dude, where did you find this? Do you realize what this could mean?" he asked, incredulously, clearly every bit as shocked as Castle was.

Castle felt a tinge of relief as he gauged Esposito's reaction. He really had no idea. Castle may still be pissed at the way things had happened, but at least he could trust Espo.

"Of course I realize what it could mean. It means they've been working together the last five months. It means they've been lying and either one of them could have their own agenda. It means they've been fucking playing us this whole time," Castle fumed. The more he thought it out, the angrier he got.

"Based on these pages, the conversations go back to the day Maddox was in Kate's apartment," Esposito stated, still pouring over the document.

"Yeah, from what I read before you caught me, it looks like they've been tracking him the last five months. That they've had locations and data. It's like they're waiting on something before they go after him," Castle theorized.

Esposito frowned. "Why the hell would they be waiting? It looks like he's been on the West coast mostly. But if Shaw's on it couldn't the FBI just pick him up out there?"

Castle opened his mouth to speak but paused at the last second. He wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell Esposito at this point. He knew Shaw was in New York but how did that tie into things? Why would she work with him all this time, clearly having leads, but giving him nothing? And even more, she encouraged _his _plan. Wanted Maddox back in New York for some reason?

_Shit_. He had to figure out what was going on.

He ran a hand through his hair, growling in frustration. "I don't know, Espo. But I'm not going to sit around while they're out tracking Maddox and trying to keep us off this."

"Man, we have to be careful. If they really do have some kind of motive we don't know about, they can't know that we found this. And you can't just go off chasing after Maddox. The guy is a professional killer," Esposito warned.

"I know what he is," Castle said angrily, voice rising.

"You think I haven't spent every day for the last five months thinking about Cole Maddox?!" He hissed the words, drawing each of them out and felt the tension building inside him.

"You think I've been able to erase the thought of him…" he paused, voice wavering at the words. "…_stabbing_ Kate."

"It plays over and over from my mind Espo! You think I haven't spent every single passing moment wanting nothing more than to put _him_ in the ground for good," he said seething, feeling the angry flames of rage licking at his veins again.

Esposito reached out and touched his arm, as if to placate him. "I know man, I know. I'm sorry. Ryan and I miss her too, every day. She was like a sister to me. We're going to get this guy. Just let us help you. Don't do this alone," he almost begged.

Castle flinched at the past tense. _Was._ He still refused to believe it. But at the moment his head was spinning. He needed to get out of there.

"If you want to help me, figure out what Gates is up to and do _not_ breathe a word of this to anyone," he said heatedly.

"Man, you gotta promise me you're not going to do something reckless," Esposito warned.

"She's out there somewhere Espo. You and Ryan and everyone else may not believe that but I know it. This shit just doesn't add up. I appreciate your concern but the only thing I care about right now is finding her. If it takes killing Cole Maddox, then so be it," he said, voice steeled.

He turned and walked past Esposito without a look back.

It wasn't until he was halfway home that he realized that his hand was shaking from its grip around the knife he'd taken from evidence and tucked into his pocket.

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_Thoughts?_


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: **I'm excited to finally be updating this for you guys! Sorry for the extra delay on this chapter. I had been working on my Halloween story for the 12th Precinct's Halloween fic competition! I hope you guys will all go check those stories out and vote! There are amazing authors participating and the stories are great. And I'd also be interested if anyone can figure out which one is mine ;) But anyway, as I said, I'm excited about getting back to this. Only a few more chapters to go so I really hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I play on Tumblr and Twitter while AWM actually creates this incredible show.

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**Chapter 13**

He didn't know what to do. It had been a long few days since his trip to the precinct. When he returned home that night his mother was camped out in loft, dead set on "entertaining" him for the evening. It had been hell. He'd been trying his best to maintain the façade that he was doing better around her and Alexis. But he was so keyed up, the discovery fresh on his mind, waging battle within him.

Should he confront Shaw? Demand answers. Try to force her hand. Or was it better to continue with the plan? The banquet was only a week away. And he couldn't for the life of him figure out why she'd been so helpful in directing him towards his goal. Unless it was _her_ goal too. There had to be some reason behind it. What was he missing?

He tried his best to think like Beckett. Look at the facts. He knew Shaw was here in New York. He now knew that her and Gates had been in communication since the night Maddox showed back up. He knew they had records of several of Maddox's locations since that night.

The problem was the questions outweighed the facts.

Why would they not go after Maddox sooner? Why would Gates say they weren't investigating? Why did she pull everyone off the case? Why was no one trying to find Kate? And most of all, if Gates and Shaw were communicating, was Gates also aware of his plan? He couldn't foresee her being on board with it but what the hell did he really know these days. Everything was a puzzle, a freaking nightmarish mystery that he couldn't solve.

There were only two conclusions he could come up with. One, that for some reason someone wanted Maddox here in New York. And two...that there was the very slight chance that they had some kind of intel on Kate's whereabouts. That _would_ explain why Gates wasn't pursuing the case. If she knew Kate was alive or where she was…

He gripped the countertop he'd been leaning against tightly. The thought slowly spread throughout his mind. The first real clue…the first real possibility that Kate wasn't dead. It was almost too overwhelming. He wanted to both cling to the thought and to force it away. As much as he had hoped and would never stop hoping, now that he had this knowledge it almost felt too good to be true. He couldn't slip up now just because he'd found those papers. It was a long shot at best. So he vowed to store the information away. Use it to fuel him these last few days.

In the past he'd have let the new knowledge distract him, enticed by the crazy theories. He have immediately jumped off the track and gone on a wild goose chase searching for Gates' and Shaw's motives. But now he'd learned from Kate…from his time at the precinct, that he needed to focus on solid facts. Sure, the crazy theory was helpful from time to time. But mostly it came down to trusting what you knew.

He finally made his decision. He'd let Esposito try to track down answers with Gates while he continued with his plan. He'd confront Shaw if he had to but the most important thing at this point was not losing site of the goal. Maddox.

What did it matter if they wanted him in New York anyway. _He _wanted Maddox in New York too.

He could use this information to guard himself. To keep him from trusting Gates or Shaw but ultimately, he'd already set the course toward finding Kate. A course he would not allow himself to be deterred from.

* * *

Kate was in a bad mood to say the least. It'd been raining for the past week. Six whole days of nothing but grey, dreary weather. And while she consistently stayed restless in the safe house, the rain just made it feel even more oppressive.

She'd finally managed to convince the agents to let her take short walks on the condition that she disguised her appearance. She'd made a game of it, requesting different colored wigs, clothing, and makeup. Might as well distract herself as best she could if she was going to be stuck there. At least it gave her a brief respite from the monotony her days had become over the last few months.

But the rain and wind had made it too difficult. She'd tried going out a couple of days at the beginning of the week but she found she was constantly worrying about making sure her appearance was unaffected.

It wasn't even so much that she cared whether she was recognized. At this point she almost dared Maddox to try and come after her. All she'd done for months was prepare herself for the opportunity to finally face him with a fighting chance. But she was sick of constantly arguing with the agents over every little detail of her daily life. And most of all she couldn't bear the thought of getting Castle hurt.

So she'd begrudgingly stayed inside, hoping that the next day would be clear. That's what her life had been reduced to, she thought to herself. No control over anything anymore. Just a piece to be used in a game she had no desire to play.

Now it was day six of this seemingly endless monsoon and she was about to go crazy. She wondered briefly how she'd survived locked up in here all these months before. Now that she'd had a slight taste of freedom, she felt even more suffocated at the loss.

She paced from room to room. She'd already finished her workout for the day and showered. It was far too early for bed. She knew if she tried to lie down she would toss and turn for hours.

But there wasn't anything else to do. She'd read all of the latest set of books that the agents had brought for her. She paused by the nightstand beside her bedroom window, looking down at the copy of _Heat Rises_ sitting there. She ran her hand along the spine.

If only she could somehow talk to Castle. Even for just a few minutes. She felt the beginning of tears forming in her eyes. God, she just missed him so much.

His books were one of the few things that kept her from completely losing it. The agents would bring her whatever she requested to read but by the end of the day she almost always found herself reaching for Derek or Nikki. Mostly Nikki though. His words for her…to her, saving her all over again.

And while the words would never be enough to replace him, they were the best substitute she could find. The same words that he'd used to survive her absence, summers ago.

He'd always had faith in a happy ending for Nikki and Rook. Even during that dark summer he left things open. Open for hope and salvation.

She forced herself back out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, where she poured herself a glass of water. She took a drink, letting the cool liquid soothe her throat as she fought to keep her emotions in check. She tried to tell herself that it was just the weather this week getting to her but realistically she knew she wasn't going to be able to take being stuck here much longer. The urge to do something was increasing every day.

Kate knew there was a time to fight and a time to be patient. But she felt the end of her patience nearing. As each day passed without any new information, she grew more and more frustrated and she couldn't shake the suspicion that Shaw was hiding something from her.

Shaw told Kate months earlier that her friends and family had held a funeral for her. That everyone believed she was dead and that it was best for her if they continued to think so until it was safe. But Kate knew Castle. Knew that he was every bit as stubborn and persistent as she was. Knew that if any details were off, he'd be looking for a reason to believe she was still out there.

So she was finding it hard to believe he wasn't digging. And digging meant he wasn't safe. No matter how well the FBI was looking out for him.

Kate sighed and made her way to the table. She sat down, running a hand through her hair in frustration as picked up the copy of the _Times_ left there by one of the agents. This one in particular was over a week old. They were always saving the papers for the crosswords and then would leave them lying around when they gave up.

At least she still could keep up some semblance of a connection to the outside world. As she skimmed the articles she found herself recalling mornings in the loft. Castle bringing her coffee and stealing the entertainment section from her. Laughing as he pouted whenever she'd hide the pages from him.

Sometimes she'd skip straight to that section now, curious to see if he ever made it onto page six. She was always both relieved and disappointed when his name or picture wasn't there. She didn't even have a picture of him, aside from the book jackets and part of her longed to catch a glimpse of him. To see whether he was doing okay. But the thought of him possibly making news for being at a party with a date on his arm also made her feel sick to her stomach. She wanted him to be happy more than anything. But she was human. And she couldn't deny how much that would hurt.

As much as she had thought about the possibility of finding him featured in the pages, nothing prepared her for the shock she felt when she flipped to the section. Right there on the cover, was a large photograph of Castle accompanied by the headline, Best Selling Mystery Author to Hold Johanna and Katherine Beckett Memorial Benefit_._ She gripped the paper with shaking hands as she poured over the article. She was so engrossed that she didn't notice Agent Shaw enter the room.

"I'm sorry, Kate. You weren't supposed to find out this way."

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	14. Chapter 14

**AN:** Getting down to the last few chapters! Only 3-4 left to go I think! Thank you guys for reading/reviewing. Your comments make me smile.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

Kate could feel the anger bubbling beneath the surface as her head spun with the realization that Shaw _had_ to have known about this. Had to have known that Castle was not only digging but doing a damn good job of trying to get himself killed. And if Jordan Shaw didn't start talking in the next few seconds Kate could not be held responsible for what she'd do.

"I suggest you tell me what's really going on right now because this sure as hell doesn't look like protective custody to me," Kate seethed, rising to her feet.

"We _are_ protecting Castle, Kate. But I will be honest with you. I have been working with him for the last couple of months," Shaw stated, a mixture of regret and something Kate couldn't quite place flashing in her eyes.

"Please, sit down. I know you're angry and I haven't been completely forthcoming about things but I think it's time I tell you the whole story," she stated wearily.

Kate could feel the tension in her body increasing. She didn't want to sit. Didn't want to listen. She wanted to get out of this damn prison. Wanted to scream at Shaw. Wanted to scream at Castle for being so reckless. She couldn't lose him. She couldn't let him sacrifice himself for her. No matter what this was about, it would never be worth it.

"Kate, please," Shaw questioned again.

Kate took a deep breath, trying to regain a small sense of control. She felt herself deciding. Knew she'd made up her mind. She wasn't staying in this place even one more night. But that also didn't mean she had to be rash. That had never gotten her anywhere in her years of being a detective. She needed all the facts. At least as many as Shaw was willing to give. She could sort out whether or not they were true later. For now, she could pull herself together for a few more minutes and listen.

She sat back down in the chair she'd just shoved aside and crossed her arms, holding Shaw's gaze as she waited for her to begin.

"First, you need to understand something, Kate, I told you the truth the day you woke up here. We had been investigating Maddox, trying to pin him down. The trail led us here. And that's when we found you." Shaw paused, as if reluctant to continue.

"I'm not interested in what you already told me, Agent Shaw. What I'm interested in are all the lies you've sold me the past few months while my partner has been out there apparently trying to get himself killed under your watch," Kate said evenly.

Shaw sighed and looked up, meeting Kate's gaze intensely. "Over the course of our investigation we connected Maddox to a number of other assassinations. Several of these murders were very high profile. This was largely why the FBI was concerned with finding him. On the day we found you, agents confirmed that he was responsible for a particular murder." She paused again and looked down.

Kate sat, waiting her out, wondering where this was going. She was still trying to manage her own anger but she could tell that whatever this was, was more than just the FBI. This was something connected to Shaw. Apparently deeply connected by the look on her face as she continued speaking.

"You and I have more in common than you think, Detective. When I first started my FBI training, I was one of the only women in my class. It's something I was very proud of but it made it that much more difficult. I know you know what it's like to be a female in a male dominated profession. We have to be that much tougher, that much more on top of our game at all times. I remember one day during training just getting my ass completely handed to me by a guy in my class. It was someone who'd been harassing me all throughout the process. Always telling me I was worthless and I'd never cut it in the agency as a girl. And while I never once seriously entertained the idea of giving up, I can't deny that the thought crossed my mind at times. And when I finally, finally had a moment alone later that night. I just completely broke down in the locker room."

Kate didn't speak. She still wondered where this was going and what it had to do with anything but she couldn't bring herself to snap at Shaw. She'd told her she'd listen.

"There was an officer, her name was Olivia Pearson. I'd never met her. Only seen her in passing. But she was extremely well respected. Had climbed the ranks quickly over her time in the agency. The things I'd heard about her were that she was completely unflappable. Basically made of steel. So there I sat, bawling my eyes out like a lost little girl fully expecting to be reprimanded. And I can still remember the way her eyes softened and she told me not to give up. That we all had our moments and that all I had to do was use those moments to strengthen me. Next time it would be easier."

"Over time she became my mentor, my best friend, an ally in the agency. She taught me everything about how to be the kind of agent and officer I wanted to be. She became family. And one day while she was out investigating a case with another agent she was shot. Died within minutes. Bullet straight through the heart," Shaw said, eyes cloudy.

"They never found the shooter. It was long range. It didn't make any sense. Didn't seem to tie to anything. They found the gun abandoned, much like your shooting. But no fingerprints. Just dead ends until recently," she said, looking at Kate.

"Maddox," Kate said, not even a question.

Shaw shook her head, affirming Kate's statement. "We'd finally uncovered a series of people he'd contracted with for killings. And the connections fit. A case Olivia had been working on. She'd gotten too close and Maddox was hired to take her out."

A single tear fell down Shaw's face and she swiped at it, trying to harden her features. "I'm sorry Kate. My intent has never been to endanger anyone else. But I will take down Maddox. This is the best shot we've had. When Castle contacted me with the idea I agreed to help. I've kept him under close watch. But my orders from the FBI were to keep you here. It's too dangerous for you to be out of protective custody."

Kate struggled to contain her emotion as she processed the information Shaw had revealed. Shaw was right. She knew what it was like to lose a mentor. Between Royce and Montgomery she'd felt her world crack apart on its already less than stable hinges. She'd flown across the country solely to avenge Royce's murder. She'd have taken a bullet that night for Montgomery, even in his betrayal, if it weren't for Castle dragging her away. But now Castle was in danger. Real danger. And even her sympathies to Shaw were outweighed by her need to save him.

"He could just as easily come after Castle!" Kate fumed. "At least if you'd have let me help, I could keep him safe."

"You're a target and you know that, Kate! He doesn't trust what you're capable of. I don't think he's ever really seen Castle as a threat so much as a nuisance. Castle isn't someone to attack. Castle is someone for him to toy with. But the moment you walk out of here and he finds out you're alive, you're as good as dead and so is Castle," Shaw said matter of factly.

Kate could feel her anger rising again. "You know you can't keep me here anymore, Jordan. Not anymore than I can keep you from going after Maddox. You're right, we do have things in common and one of them is protecting the people we love."

Shaw sighed, clearly frustrated and more than a little defeated. "I know. I can't stop you from leaving. But can you promise me something? Don't stop this plan from going through. Let me have this. Let _us_ have this. We can get him, Kate. We can end this once and for all."

"I can't make that promise," Kate replied. "As much as I would give to take Maddox down, if it means endangering Castle I won't do it. I've chosen the case over him too many times before. I swore to myself and to him that I'd never do it again."

"Goodbye Agent Shaw," she stated.

"Be safe, Kate," Shaw replied, eyes full of silent pleas that Kate didn't need words to understand.

Kate walked out of the kitchen, grabbed a few of her things, including the disguises the agents had procured for her, and stepped out into the rainy night. She was free for the first time since the night of her anniversary with Castle.

And she had no idea yet how she was going to fix this.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: **We have now officially made it back to where the story started in Chapter 1! So if the beginning of this chapter from Castle's perspective seems like we've jumped into a scene that wasn't in the last chapter, that's why. It's picking up where Chapter 1 left off. I can't thank you guys enough for all the sweet and awesome and wonderful reviews you've left me! They make me even more excited about writing chapters. Hope you guys like it and let me know what you think!

* * *

**Chapter 15**

He sat there unmoving for what seemed like hours. The knife still taunted him from the spot where he'd dropped it back onto his desk, catching light from the reflections of traffic through his window. He couldn't stop the flow of questions that bombarded his mind. Had this knife taken Kate's life? Did Maddox take his time, make it more painful? Did he do it just like Coonan had done? One deep plunge puncturing the kidney, followed by a series of cuts after just to make it look…_no_…he refused to think that.

He squeezed his eyes shut, face contorted in pain at the images that played like a horror movie in his brain.

The alcohol had done nothing to ease the cruelty of his thoughts. He really should have known better than to believe that a drink could dull any of this. He'd been living with this empty ache inside for months now and it was always the nights that shook him to the very core – left him waking up in sobs, completely unraveled from the endless loop of nightmares. He'd find himself reaching time after time for the now cold and unoccupied side of the bed where Kate had slept. Sheets that were once made warm and welcoming from her soft body curled up close next to his. Silence where there was once laughter and sighs and moans of pleasure.

No amount of alcohol could dull this. The warm liquid only made the images more vivid. Only made the harsh reality more clear. He was alone. No matter where Kate was or what had truly happened, she wouldn't be here to save him. And as much as he tried not to think it, his fear was that this was only a vain attempt at saving her.

Everything – all of his plans would culminate tomorrow and now his doubts were creeping in. Who was he kidding thinking he could do anything worthy of saving Kate? Sure, there were times throughout their partnership where he'd saved her life. He liked to joke about which one of them had saved the other more. But they'd always been working together. They'd always been a team. Could he really kill Maddox on his own? He knew he wouldn't hesitate to make that choice if it meant he could save her. But even with all his training - even with all of _Kate's_ training, she hadn't been able to put up much of a fight. His decision was pressing heavier on him with each passing hour, inching closer to the end.

He just didn't know what to feel anymore. There was the fury always thrumming inside him, just below the surface. Even as much as he'd learned to contain it, he knew that at any moment it threatened to escape. The idea of finally seeing Maddox was like a ticking bomb. He was just biding his time, waiting to explode.

He didn't regret his choices. He _couldn't._ But tonight, he just felt…lost. And he hated himself for it. Hated himself for the doubt, for the confusion, for the weakness. If Kate was out there, she was still so much stronger than he'd ever be. He dropped his head to his hands, trying to force it all of the emotion away. He missed her so much.

But he couldn't afford to give in to the self-pity now. This was a fight that he _would_ fight. He struggled to regain his composure as he questioned what he'd even do if he got the answers he so desperately sought. If things really did go as he planned and Maddox showed up, could he handle knowing? Could he deal with the knowledge, if it were only that Kate was, in fact, gone forever? What if Maddox gave away nothing? Again, he felt like he was losing his mind.

And Kate would kill him herself for taking such a risk on this banquet if she were here. Even though he knew she'd do the same for him.

That was really the crux of it. She was badass Beckett who would have wanted _him_ to be safe more than anything. Even more than her own life. And it was in his nature to leave the car, swing in, all good intent and poor planning. He was the one always getting them in precarious situations. What seemed like a lifetime of angry glares looped through his mind, times when Kate yelled at him for almost getting himself killed. It'd taken him a while to realize it wasn't really anger, it was her fear of losing him. And _that_ was something he understood all too well.

He just had to hope that this time he'd done it right. That he'd taken the correct steps, put in the necessary training and work to have a fighting chance. Because even though it was in his nature to be the one walking her off the ledge of danger, urging her that some fights needed to wait, this time…_this time_ he was the one taking risks_. _

He tried to force away her voice in his head urging him to not do this.

Gripping the edge of his desk tightly, he pushed himself up and out of his chair. He needed to move. To distract himself…anything to combat the weight of everything haunting him tonight. It was only a matter of time now. Whether he could handle it or not, it was time.

* * *

She needed a plan, _badly_. For all of the days she spent cooped up at the safe house and longing for freedom, she hadn't quite envisioned this scenario. She silently cursed herself for not trying harder to keep up with Castle, even if it had meant butting heads with the agency. Well, butting heads more so than she already had. Goodness knows she'd not been the most cooperative houseguest. But she'd just believed it was safer for him if she didn't try to cause a scene. And now it all felt like a huge mistake.

According to the newspaper, the banquet was scheduled for the next day. It was eating away at her knowing that all this time she'd been so naive trusting Shaw. Even if the agency had Castle under surveillance, this was bad. Really bad. She already worried about him with Maddox still out there, regardless of how much protection the FBI had on him. But knowing he was purposely making himself a target. She wanted to scream at him. What the hell was he thinking? How could he take such a risk?

But she knew why. Castle would go to the ends of the earth to save her. Just like she would do the same for him. Her heart ached thinking of how much all of this must have been weighing on him. Was he doing it alone? Were the boys in on this? Surely they would have stopped him by now. The fact that he was basically sending Maddox an open invitation, knowing how dangerous it was…

He had to be doing this alone. She knew him well enough to know that when it came to her he wouldn't listen to anyone. He wouldn't stop to think of the consequences, if it meant he thought he had a chance to save her. But it was also really, really crazy. _Shit_, she really needed a plan.

She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, biting at the corner of her bottom lip. _Think, Kate._

She suddenly realized she'd been walking aimlessly for the past half hour, caught up in her thoughts and not knowing what exactly to do yet. It was still pouring and the rain was starting to soak through her jacket. She shivered unconsciously and looked around trying to get her bearings, eyes flickering to peer at the street sign. Thankfully the jacket had a hood so she could partially hide her face. She'd left so quickly that she hadn't bothered trying to disguise herself. The rain would have screwed up anything she'd put on anyway.

She choked back a desperate laugh when she discovered that somehow in her wandering, she'd ended up at the same damn swing set that held so many memories. She couldn't resist the urge to sit for a moment as she walked up to the swings. She needed to compose her thoughts and this was as good of a place as any. No one appeared to be out in the storm and she was reasonably hidden from view.

As she swayed slowly, she allowed her mind to process everything. It was clear that whatever Castle had set in motion was past the point of really stopping now. Not without destroying the banquet and hours of planning. The banquet for her mother…and _her._ She felt the wave of emotion building at the thought. In the haste of her discovery in the paper, Shaw's confession, and her need to _just go_ she hadn't even had time to fully contemplate what Castle was doing. And she wasn't sure this was the best time to do it either. She needed to be strong now. Now was not the time for another emotional breakdown on the swing set.

All she knew was that she refused to let him walk into that banquet alone tomorrow. But could she really risk going to him? Would that only endanger him more at this point? Her first priority had to be making sure he was safe.

Her thoughts drifted seamlessly to the other times she'd been in this exact spot. Of promises made to Castle after that hellish summer. When she was such a broken mess, undeserving of his forgiveness and his love. Memories of the first night she took back her life. The decision that changed everything, made everything so much better than she could have ever imagined. It was like déjà vu, sitting there, rain soaked and lost all over again. She'd stayed there in the storm that night for who knows how long, working up the nerve to reclaim her life. To find to a way to show Castle that he was all she wanted, more than a case, more than a job, more than anything. And just like that, she knew what she had to do.

She'd made her choice a year ago. She was done hiding. Done taking orders. Her and Castle were partners. Maybe it was risky and dangerous and stupid but they were a team. And absolutely nothing was right being separated. She had to go to him. This was a war they would fight together.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	16. Chapter 16

**AN**: So this is officially the longest story I've written on as of a couple chapters ago. I'm constantly amazed at how many people are still finding it and alerting it. Thank you all so much for your awesome and wonderful reviews. It makes this whole writing thing so much fun. I reaaaaaalllly hope you guys like this chapter! I know a lot of you have been looking forward to it for a while now. So yeah...let me know what you think. Oh, and kudos to anyone who catches the Alias reference in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

She had to be wildly, crazy careful. She couldn't risk anyone seeing her enter Castle's building. It was one thing wandering the streets of New York, wrapped up under her oversized jacket, shielded by the darkness and rain. But it was another entirely to evade the FBI's protective detail. They were sure to have discovered her absence from the safe house by now. Castle's loft would be the first place they'd assume she'd go. She wished there was another way, another place.

No doubt they were monitoring his calls, as well. Not that she even had a cell phone anymore. Shaw had deemed that far too risky from the start. It was better to do this in person anyway. If the situation were reversed she'd want to see Castle more than anything. And so long as she could elude the agents, it would be the safest place for them.

There was the also minor issue that everyone believed her to be dead. She could only imagine the reaction she would get if someone from Castle's building spotted her. Everything was riding on her ability to sneak in.

Luckily, she thought she knew a way this could work and she had Castle to thank for it. As much as she enjoyed teasing him about his love and fascination with all things spy related, this could be the best shot she had at getting to him undetected.

His secret lair. Even now, in the middle of the night, soaking wet and desperate, she felt like laughing at the craziness of this situation. Oh, she could still remember the day he'd shown it to her_… _

_His eyes were wide and sparkling, so excited he was practically bouncing when he said he had a surprise for her. She'd rolled her eyes at him but indulged his childish glee. She couldn't deny that his ability to maintain such innocence despite all the crazy things they witnessed each day was one of the things she loved most about him. So she allowed him to drag her through the loft until they stood in his study, facing the large painting that hung behind his desk. The one with the twisty stairs that always reminded her of drifting off into some other abstract world of mystery and magic. It was perfect for his office really. So very Castle. And perfect for what it hid, she had quickly discovered as he slid it slightly to the left and pressed a now uncovered button. _

"_Castle…what on earth?" She'd stared, mouth gaping as the wall lifted up, disappearing into a slot that had opened in the ceiling to accommodate it. His smile lit up the entire room and he tugged on her arm. "Totally cool, right?!"_

_She had to admit, she was impressed. She listened as he described how he'd gone about designing everything, his voice slipping into story mode, lilting and animated. _

"_So is this how you impressed all your girlfriends, Castle?" she joked, nudging him with her hip. "Show them your 'secret lair'?" she hand quoted, laughter lacing her voice. _

_At that, his eyes softened. "Only my family, Gina, and Paula know about it actually," he said. "In addition to it being probably the coolest thing I've ever had done, it doubles as a security measure. When I first moved in and Alexis was still young, I wanted to make sure we had a safe place to go in case anything ever happened. And the press sometimes gets crazy so it has another feature you haven't seen yet." _

_She raised her eyebrows, "There's more?" He winked, eyes twinkling mischievously. "Follow me, Detective," he whispered against her ear, and she fought to suppress a shiver, suddenly more than a little aroused at his close proximity. Okay, so maybe the spy stuff worked on her a little too… _

_But before she could react, he was pulling her further into the room. That was when she noticed the door. "Where does it lead?"_

"_It takes you into a stairwell that comes out around the back of the building. I'm the only one who has access to it aside from building security and they never use it. Half of them probably don't even know it exists since it only connects to my loft. It's got separate security hooked up. When I first had the idea, I talked to the owner and he agreed that if I paid for everything and had it all approved by the city code inspectors it wouldn't be a problem. Obviously, I don't need it all that much anymore but it's still pretty awesome, right?"_

She felt a sense of warmth from the memory. That had been a fun day. It had been even more fun utilizing the secret room during laser tag battles and the so called epic hide and seek games the Castles liked to play whenever Alexis needed a break from undergrad life. And now it was going to be her only shot at getting into Castle's loft without attracting any attention to herself. He'd given her the codes on the off chance she ever needed them.

Her heart was racing; pulse increasing with each block she traveled closer to her destination. This was really it. She was finally going to see him, touch him, hear his voice.

She had to keep herself from running, still needing to be so careful yet now that she was almost there she suddenly felt like she couldn't take another moment of separation.

She circled the block of his loft several times, trying to ascertain where the agents were. After a few trips she felt reasonably certain she'd pinpointed them all. It was good to know her training wasn't completely rusty. The agents weren't exactly obvious but she prided herself on her ability to pick up on the details.

She didn't know whether to be relieved or concerned to find that they were all stationed at angles facing the front of Castle's building. It was good for her. It shouldn't be too hard to slip around the back undetected. But if she could then, surely Maddox could do the same if he knew how to get in. She forced herself to shelve that thought. Right now she needed to move quickly and get the code entered. She took a deep breath, trying to contain the flood of adrenaline. She was going to see Castle.

* * *

He was in the kitchen pouring a glass of water when he heard the noise. A low hum that sent chills racing down his spine. He'd recognize that sound anywhere. Years of battles and games played with Alexis had attuned him to every creak in the hardwood floor, slide of a closet door, and most definitely to the sound of the wall opening to reveal his secret lair. But…who could have known…_how was that possible?_ His hands were shaking as he tried to quietly set the water back down onto the counter. _Think, Rick._

He had no weapons out here, aside from maybe a wine bottle or a kitchen knife. And even though those options _could_ be useful, Maddox's knife was still sitting in clear view on his desk. Whoever had come through that door would spot it easily.

He desperately grabbed the sharpest knife he could find and was about to lower himself into a crouch behind the bar when he saw her.

The knife slipped through his hands, hitting the floor with a sharp clang as he stood there paralyzed. This had to be a dream. Some kind of cruel, alcohol induced hallucination of Kate. It _had_ to be a dream, right? Her rain soaked figure gave him a sense of déjà vu, so much like his memory of that night a year ago. He couldn't breathe, didn't dare blink for fear that when he opened his eyes she'd be gone again. _Please don't let it be a dream._

Then, she was coming toward him, tentative in her movements as though she was just as afraid as he was that this wasn't really happening. All he could do was watch silently as she made her way across the living room, pausing as she reached him. Her eyes flickered to his, so expressive. He could see the emotion swirling in their depths and he felt like his heart was bursting within his chest.

"Castle?" she whispered, reaching out to smooth her hand across his cheek. He choked out a sob at her touch. _Oh God, Kate. Kate was alive. _She was _here._

And suddenly he couldn't take it any longer. Something within him broke and he pulled her against him, crushing his body to hers. _Kate. _He murmured her name over and over, a mantra that he couldn't stop. She was here. She was in his arms. _Kate._ He couldn't let go. He never wanted to let go ever again.

And then she was catching his tears with her kisses, telling him it was ok. That she was ok. But it wasn't enough. _Oh God,_ he'd almost lost her. He _had _lost her. He couldn't stop his body from shaking as he clung tightly to her. The culmination of the last six months hitting him all at once, and he realized that part of him thought he'd never hold her in his arms again.

He needed to feel her. Needed all of her. Needed to prove to himself and to her that this was real. That they were alive. He lifted her suddenly and she let out a yelp, adjusting quickly to wrap her arms around his neck - her legs encircling his waist, as he carried her to the bedroom.

_Kate was alive._

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	17. Chapter 17

**AN**: I can't thank everyone enough for the reviews lately! It's so amazing to get feedback and to know that people are reading this story. It's the longest thing I've ever written on here and I'm loving every minute of it. I hope you guys are too! To the guest reviewers who I can't respond to by PM, thank you so so much for your lovely comments!

Also, I'm equally excited to have Caskett together again! That being said, I don't think this chapter goes into M territory but it's a little more descriptive than usual so if anyone thinks it needs the M rating, send me a note. I don't really think that it does otherwise I'd have changed it but I don't want to offend anyone either. I'd absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this one too since I've never attempted to write a love scene before now ;) I really hope that I did it justice within the confines of a T rating. One last note. I always write to music and there's a particularly heartwrenching song I wrote this chapter to. If you want to check it out, I posted the vid to it on my tumblr. The4rightchords dot tumblr dot com.

* * *

**Chapter 17**

She steps carefully into his office, suddenly exhausted. Everything leading up to this - the weight of so many days without him drains her.

It's dark with the exception of the city lights streaming through his window and she wonders if he's already asleep. It's late. He should be. Her heart aches with memories of being curled up in bed with him on nights like these. Rain streaming across the windowpane as they lay quietly together, listening to its steady tap against the glass. The caress of soft sheets and being surrounded by his warmth. A sharp contrast to the chill against her rain soaked skin, standing alone in his study.

She makes her way through the room, trying desperately to gather her composure. Her pulse is anything but steady, nerves wracked by the combination of adrenaline and anticipation of finally, _finally_ seeing him again.

As she moves a glint of light reflects off something on the desk, catching her eye. She pauses, turning to take a closer look, and that's when she realizes what it is. All at once, her stomach churns, nausea overwhelming her senses. She'd know that knife anywhere. Can still feel the blade slicing into her skin. Her body shudders involuntarily at the all too vivid memories, and she forces herself to walk away. She won't look at it now. Can't think about it now. Later there will be things to talk about, battles to fight. But not now.

She hears movement from the kitchen as she approaches the bookshelves. Her breath catches in her throat and suddenly the reality of the moment hits her. It's been so long. _So long_ without him. And this is all she's wanted since that night.

The moment she sees him everything slows down around her. She's paralyzed by the doorway as their eyes meet from across the room. She faintly registers the sound of something hitting the tile of the kitchen floor but she can't tear her eyes away. Can't be bothered to care about anything but the fact that she's here. His expression is a mixture of shock and relief and so many emotions she can't even read. Before she realizes it, she's crossing the room. Has to be closer. Has to touch him. Has to make this real.

She closes the space between them, pausing only an arm's length away. And _oh_, the way he's looking at her. She can feel the emotion swirling through her veins. It surrounds her, envelops her, almost painfully tugs at her heart. All she wants is for him to pull her close, reassure her that even though everything may have changed, _this_ hasn't.

She reaches out to run her hand along his cheek and he breaks in front her. _Kate._ Her name over and over, a desperate plea as he _finally _wraps his arms around her. She can feel his tears mixing with her own as she kisses them off his face, one by one. _It's ok. We're ok._

But it's not enough. They both need more. So much more. He lifts her suddenly and she wraps herself around him. Allows him to carry her to the bedroom.

* * *

It's a blur of feeling. Senses igniting, rising higher and higher as he lays her down on the bed, longing to touch and taste all of her. He can't get enough. Can't feel enough of her beneath his hands, against his lips. This gift he's been given tonight, he doesn't understand, can't grasp how this is even happening but he's not wasting a second of it. He won't let her slip away from him again. _Never again, Kate._

His fingers caress her sides, down across the long line of her body as she arches involuntarily at his touch. His palms spanning her tiny waist as he lowers his mouth to her hip, feathering kisses across her stomach. No he will never, _never_ let her go again.

The sounds she's making are a song - sweet music that he's ached to hear in every silent night spent alone since she's been gone. He teases her curves and she moans in frustration but he doesn't relent. He will worship her body like it's the first time. Every chance he's afforded because the harsh reality of life without her is too much. He would work a million lifetimes to coax these sounds from her. So very sexy that it makes his heart burst. So _alive._

He raises his head, suddenly has to see her. Needs the connection and she understands, needs it every bit as much as he does. He sees it all reflected in the depths of eyes. _I love you._ He cards a hand through her hair, brushes his thumb across her cheek reverently. Memories overwhelm him from their first night. She's soaked from the rain, from their tears, all reminders of how fragile their lives are. How close he's come to losing her again.

She pulls him closer and guides his lips to hers, opening to him immediately. His mind knows nothing but the swirl of their tongues meeting, dancing ever higher in a battle for release. There is no need for control. No upper hand here tonight. Only their bodies completely in sync, both needing more. _Only more._ She sighs into his mouth and rolls her hips to match the rhythm of their kiss.

There's no teasing now. No more waiting as they climb together. Cling desperately to each other in silent reassurance that they're here in this moment.

He's had so many nights of haunted dreams, waking up to the cold and empty bed, wondering if he would ever know her touch again. It's more than he could ever hope for to feel the beat of her heart underneath him as they move. A steady rhythm that heals his own, puts him back together as they rise and fall to the finish.

* * *

He keeps her close, closer than she'd ever allow him before. She'd never deny him that tonight. Maybe never again. She burrows her head into his chest, fitting perfectly into the crook of his neck, as she trails her fingers along his bicep. She's never felt more home than in this place, secured in his arms.

She wants nothing more than to stay like this for hours, doesn't want to break the spell, the magic of everything between them. But she knows that it can't last. There's so much to be said. So much that still lies ahead. She's not surprised when he asks. He deserves to know it all.

So she tells him. Tells him everything about that night, about Shaw, about the safe house. He listens with rapt attention, his face a range of emotions throughout and she can tell just how much it has all weighed on him over the last six months.

"I saw the paper, Castle."

He reluctantly loosens his arms from around her and turns on his side. "I had to find you Kate. If there was any chance…" he says, eyes pleading with her to understand.

"I know. I do get it. I…I can't say that I'm not furious at you for taking such a huge risk. But I'd be a hypocrite to say I wouldn't do anything to find you too," she says, sighing. "I just can't lose you. Not now. Not when we've made it so far."

She knows he fully expects her to tell him that he can't go through with it. That it's too dangerous. That he doesn't need to now that's she's here. She surprises him.

"We do this together, Castle. If there's anything that I've learned in the last six months…it's that nothing is right without you. And maybe it's stupid and risky but I refuse to let Maddox tear apart our lives any longer."

He nods slowly, allowing her words sink in. "Together," he repeats, lacing her hand in his. For the first time in months, he feels a glimmer of hope again.

* * *

He wakes a few hours later, his heart pounding in his chest, as he jolts up in the bed. Another nightmare. The same one he's had for a while now. His hand instinctively reaches for Kate and finds empty space. But the bed is still warm at least. She can't have been gone long. It does nothing to calm his racing pulse and he jumps out of bed quickly, needing to find her. It couldn't have been a dream.

He yanks on his pants and shuffles out of his bedroom, eyes peering out through the darkness of the living room, searching. His breath stutters at the muffled sound of books falling in his study.

He skids across the floor and almost trips when he takes in the scene before him.

There is no doubt in his mind that he will kill Cole Maddox tonight.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	18. Chapter 18

**AN:** Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Sorry for the little bit longer delay on this chapter. Real life got in the way with family visiting but I hope you all enjoy it. I am so thankful for all you reading and reviewing and the love for this story. You all continue to inspire me and make me so happy to be a part of this fandom.

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**Chapter 18**

This was the moment he'd spent the last five months training for. His eyes narrowed, as he studied the room, trying to assess the situation. Maddox had to have come in the front door but how had he managed to bypass the entire security detail outside his building? It was one thing for Kate – knowing about his hidden room, security codes, and the secret stairwell.

But clearly Maddox had no trouble and he'd picked up a prisoner along the way.

Kate stood, apparently unharmed, watching cautiously as Maddox held the knife to Agent Shaw's throat. Daring them to make a move. One misstep, one error, and her life could be taken with the swift motion of the blade.

Somehow he'd always wondered if it would come to this. Maybe not this exact scenario. He never imagined Shaw would play such a pivotal role in this game he'd been playing and he certainly had only dreamed to find answers about Kate – but, he'd have been a fool to think that Maddox would wait until the banquet to make his move.

He paused a moment, taking a deep breath, and tried to evaluate their positions in the room. He'd barely made it through the entryway before stopping abruptly. Kate was to his right against the bookshelves, while Maddox still stood gripping the knife against Shaw's throat behind his desk, smirking at them both.

_Stupid._ He should never have left it sitting out so carelessly. He should have guessed that this would happen tonight. That Kate's arrival would set in motion events that no longer made tomorrow necessary. But everything was thrown off when she walked through his study. With her in his arms again, he had momentarily allowed himself to breathe again. To see beyond this fight.

But here it was. Too late to second guess things now. He could feel the rage steadily building again at the sight of Cole Maddox. Rage that had been locked inside him ever since that day in the cemetery when he'd watched the life drain from Kate's eyes. When all he could do was whisper three words and pray they wouldn't be the last thing he'd get to say to her. This was the man responsible for that bullet, for the new scars across her stomach that may never fade.

"You don't want to do this," he heard Kate say, voice strong and unwavering.

He could see the anger burning dark in the depths of her eyes. Could feel it radiating off of her. The months of pent up repression as she recovered, regained her strength, fought hard to put herself back in a position to fight. She wanted this every bit as badly as he. And this time she wouldn't be alone. This time Maddox couldn't overpower her. Couldn't sneak up on them. But he needed to think quickly.

"You're outmatched Maddox. You do anything to Agent Shaw and I put a bullet through your skull," Castle said, evenly.

Maddox laughed grimly. "You don't have a gun, Mr. Castle. If you did you'd already be pointing it at me. I must give you credit though. You've hand delivered me exactly what I want."

Castle watched as Maddox eyed Kate hungrily. A predator stalking his prey. He worked to keep himself from lunging over the desk towards the man. Clenched a fist at his side, trying to work through the techniques he'd learned in his training. Maddox was right though, he didn't have a gun on him. He had to be smart about this. If he could just get to his safe. It was already unlocked from when he'd retrieved the knife earlier that night. His gun and Kate's extra piece were in there.

He could see Shaw looking toward the corner of the room. They'd discussed so many possibilities over the last few months. She'd been who encouraged him to make sure he had a weapon available in case Maddox ever broke through the security detail. From her vantage point she must have already noticed the safe. He tried to be as discrete as he could and flicked his eyes from her to the safe while Maddox was still eyeing Kate. He could see the recognition in her eyes.

If only he could get the same message to Kate. She was just a few feet away and if he could distract Maddox even for a few seconds, it'd be enough time for her to retrieve the guns.

But before he could begin to figure out a way to communicate his plan she was speaking.

"That's right, I'm the one you want. The one you're just dying to get your hands on. How does it feel to know you've failed to kill me twice now, Maddox? That you just can't do the one job you were sent to do."

_Shit, Kate_. He knew what she was trying to do and it was the last thing he wanted. He wasn't sure he could take the sight of that knife anywhere near her. His entire body tensed at the thought.

"You're right about one thing. You were the job I was sent to do. And the job I will finish tonight," he said. "So, I'm perfectly willing to trade you, Rick. One fine FBI agent for your girl?" he asked, flashing another calculated grin towards Castle.

He stepped in front of Kate and squared his shoulders, glaring at Maddox. "You will never touch her again, you son of a bitch."

"You think you can get anywhere near me? One move in this direction and I will blow this entire place," he said, flashing them a glimpse of a tiny detonator in the hand that held Shaw in place. "So let me repeat my deal one more time, Ms. Beckett for Agent Shaw…"

He felt Kate shoving past him and reached instinctively, trying to grab her before she could get any further. For a moment, their eyes locked, his pleading with hers not to do this, hers steeled, already decided in her course of action.

Even six months apart wasn't enough for him to forget that determined look. The one he'd seen hundreds of times in the field. She had a plan.

Everything in him screamed to pull her back, keep her shielded, some how get them as far away from Maddox as he could. But they couldn't run. He hadn't spent all this time preparing just to let this go. They had to end it here, tonight.

He didn't step aside. Didn't let go. He trusted her with his entire being. Kate had a plan and they were partners. So he was going to sell it as well as he could for her. "I'm not letting you do this, Kate," he growled, hauling her toward him.

He whispered, "Guns in the safe," as he pretended to restrain her. He saw the brief flash of understanding in her eyes. She quickly shielded her expression again, feigning frustration.

"Let go, Castle, this isn't your fight," she gritted out, playing along as she shoved him backwards off of her.

He lunged for her again, sloppily, as she sidestepped, positioning them closer to the corner of the room. He noticed she was still allowing him to stand between Maddox and her. He made another move to try and catch her and this time she slowed her movements just enough for him to grip her arm. Before he knew it she was swinging a leg under him, knocking him off his feet.

_What the hell?_ He landed on the floor with a thud, slightly shaken from the unexpected blow. He was momentarily confused as to why she'd done it until he looked up and saw that he was now close enough to the safe to make a move for the guns.

Unfortunately that meant that Kate was now across the room. He knew this was his only shot. He had to make it count. Maddox was entirely focused on Kate approaching, clearly expecting surrender.

Castle swung the door of the safe open just as Maddox shoved Shaw to the ground replacing the knife at her throat with an arm around Kate.

It was a flurry of movement as Castle grabbed the guns, sliding one across the floor to Shaw and taking the other in hand. He released the safety with his thumb and pulled back the slide in one swift motion as he jumped back to his feet. He faintly registered Shaw doing the same to his side as they rounded on Maddox.

He watched as Kate struggled against Maddox, delivering a calculated blow to his kneecap, hearing the snap of the bone as her foot connected. To his credit, Maddox didn't go down but it must have been enough pain that his grip loosened slightly, allowing Kate to escape his grip.

"Any of you make a move and I hit this button," Maddox seethed, flashing the detonator again, as he took a labored breath.

They had to find a way to get that away from him. Having narrowly survived the last explosion, there was no way he wanted to risk a second.

"Give it up, Maddox, it's three against one," he heard Shaw say. "You're not leaving here tonight."

Castle snuck a glance at Kate who was a few feet away from Maddox behind the desk. She was close enough to the switch that she could easily open the entry into the lair. If he could just get over to her and somehow disable Maddox long enough for them to get to the stairwell, he could live with whatever explosion Maddox may set off. But they needed another distraction.

He nodded to Shaw as discretely as he could while Maddox's gaze switched between the three of them, hand poised, ready to end it all in his desperation.

It was now or never. He made his move, launching himself over the desk at Maddox. He simultaneously felt and heard the sickening crunch of bone as his fist connected with Maddox's jaw, as they both tumbled to the ground.

The last thing he registered was Kate screaming his name before everything went black.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	19. Chapter 19

**AN**: We're getting close to the end! Should be one more chapter after this :) Thank you all for your continued flailing reviews and for reading! I appreciate you all so much and I hope you enjoy this one.

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**Chapter 19**

He came back to consciousness with a throbbing pain in his side and reflexively reached down to feel for the injury. He hissed as his fingers grazed the cut along his abdomen and when he raised his hand, it was covered in blood. _Shit._ What happened? He couldn't have been out long. His ears were still ringing.

His head was still a little hazy as he scrambled back to his feet, looking around. The loft was a wreck of splintered wood and debris. The bomb? _Oh_…oh no. He spotted Agent Shaw sprawled across the floor by his bookshelves and knelt down to check on her. Thank God, a pulse. The blast had to have knocked her out. It must have been in the living room because his office was relatively intact aside from the mess.

He had to find Maddox and Kate. Shaw would be safer in here away from everything while he searched. He turned a 180 to face the wall. The secret lair…Kate…maybe she had gotten out. The door was closed but…maybe.

Where the hell had they gone?

Just as he reached the switch to open the wall entry he heard the muffled sound of a scream. Kate's scream. _Shit_ they _were _in the stairwell. They had to be. He plunged himself into the darkness, holding a hand against the wound in his side, trying his best to slow the bleeding as he allowed his eyes to adjust.

He finally felt like his training would pay off. He could do this. He'd learned how to compartmentalize the pain. To think through each move. A calculated approach. And now he had the element of surprise.

He closed the wall back, plunging the room into darkness and crept toward the stairwell.

_Hold on, Kate._

* * *

When she'd seen Maddox thrust the knife into Castle's side and press the detonator she'd launched herself at him, no longer caring about anything but Castle's life. In the blur of adrenaline-fueled rage, she'd managed to flip Maddox off of Castle's body right as the explosion ripped through the loft.

From their position on the floor behind Castle's desk they must have been shielded enough from the blast that nothing hit them. She swung her fist into Maddox's nose as hard as she could, relishing the snap of bone underneath her hand. She wanted it to hurt, wanted him to suffer. It wasn't often she felt the overwhelming desire to inflict pain but Maddox was an exception. She wanted him to bleed.

It stunned him enough that she was able to dislodge the knife from his hand and send it flying across the room, far from reach.

She saw Shaw go down in her peripheral vision but she didn't have time to do anything about it. Maddox was struggling against her and quickly recovering from the initial shock of her punch. She had to take out him out so she could help Castle. She could see the nasty cut in his abdomen. If she could just knock Maddox out long enough to get her and Castle to the secret lair, they could get help.

She jumped back to her feet as Maddox growled out, "Bitch," and shoved himself off of the floor, lunging at her, arms outstretched. She was quicker though and leveled a kick to his already injured knee, sending him back to the ground with a resounding thud.

Taking advantage of the brief respite, she reached for the hidden switch in the wall, opening the entry to the secret lair while Maddox momentarily lay immobile groaning and clutching at his knee.

She desperately tried to grab Castle and haul him in after her but Maddox was already attempting to get up again. _Damn it, was he superhuman?_

Before she could move Castle, Maddox had already tackled her, sending them rolling into the other room in a flurry of limbs as she struggled to break his grip.

Disoriented from the blow, she tried to get herself upright again and wound up stumbling into the wall and accidently hitting the switch from the inside, shutting the door back.

At least she knew her way around the room. Knew that Castle kept an array of toys in here. Toys like his fencing gear and collection of antique swords. She could use the darkness to her advantage.

"Give it up, Beckett," she heard him taunting her from across the room. "How does it feel to know your boyfriend is bleeding out in there and you can't do anything to help him?"

She could feel the anger pulsing in her veins at his words but she didn't react. Didn't say anything. _Use the darkness, Kate_. _Don't give your position away._ She inched along the wall until she felt her hand close around the rack of swords.

"He's going to die there all alone and you can't save him now."

In one swift motion, Kate slid the sword from its place on the shelf and strode across the room towards Maddox, whipping the blade across his stomach, sending him sprawling backwards.

She swung again, wildly, trying to make contact anywhere, so long as it took Maddox closer to the stairwell.

This time he was prepared though and ducked under the blade throwing himself at her. The momentum knocked the sword from her hand and sent them both to the floor tumbling toward the stairs.

She tried to kick out of Maddox's grasp but he was too strong. She felt herself falling at the ledge of the steps and couldn't help the scream that escaped as they both rolled over the edge.

* * *

Castle's heart was racing as he reached the stairwell. He no longer felt the pain in his side, only the steady rush of determination. He was beyond sick of Maddox controlling their lives. Sick of sitting around waiting for the day he could make his move. He'd worked hard for this moment. Been through way too much with Kate to let it all come to an end now at the hands of Cole Maddox.

He could feel the tightness of muscle in his arms as he clenched his fists, taking the stairs two at a time.

As he reached the halfway point he finally caught a glimpse of them. Maddox had Kate pinned against the wall with both hands as she attempted to squirm out of his grip. He knew the moment she was aware of his presence. Their eyes met over Maddox's shoulder in the dim light of the stairwell provided by the tiny lights along the bottom of the wall. A mixture of love and hope flooded her gaze immediately.

It spurred him on. Before Maddox was even able to turn, Castle delivered a punch to the side of Maddox's head. Another sickening crack and Maddox flew backwards from the impact, involuntarily letting go of Kate in the process.

She slumped against the wall, catching herself on the stair railing as Castle continued to pursue Maddox.

He delivered another punch, this time to Maddox's stomach, knocking the air out him and causing the gash from where Kate had sliced him with the sword to bleed profusely. Maddox rolled down a few more steps before stopping his descent.

Castle took his time as Maddox wheezed to catch his breath, too injured to stand. There was no longer a rush. No longer a need for desperation. Maddox was right where Castle wanted him now. One step. Another step. One more til Castle stood over him.

All these months of emptiness and preparation. Of filling the void left by Kate's absence with his training. With the rage and single goal of eliminating the threat of Cole Maddox from their lives forever.

"You'll never touch either of us again," Castle growled out, eyes coldly staring down at the wounded assassin.

"There'll always be someone, Mr. Castle. You'll never keep be able to keep her safe. You think getting rid of me will end all of this but you're wrong," Maddox said between gasps.

"We'll take our chances," Castle heard Kate say, as she came to stand behind him.

Castle was tempted to kill Maddox right there. To permanently put an end to the threat. But he knew that's not what he'd learned from all these years with Kate. Let them lock him up. Let him rot away in prison with the knowledge that he'd failed. Sometimes there was worse punishment.

As they turned to walk back up the stairs and alert the FBI, Maddox suddenly shoved himself up and toward Kate wrapping a hand around her ankle and pulling her down.

Castle didn't think, only felt his body react to the threat, pulling Kate into his arms as he kicked Maddox in the jaw, sending him flying down the rest of the stairs. Maddox's screamed echoed hollowly throughout the stairwell until he reached the bottom with a crash.

The effect of the blow caused him to tumble backward onto the upslope of the stairs. He shielded Kate from the fall, keeping his arms around her as he landed on his butt with Kate on top of him. Then, there was nothing but the feel of their racing hearts against each other, as he continued to cradle Kate to his chest.

They were ok. It was over.

_It was finally over._

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Thank you to each and every one of you who have stuck with this story from start to finish, those who have picked up on it along the way, and to anyone who is just finding it now. I appreciate you all so much and your amazing reviews and encouragement have meant the world to me. This is the longest thing I've ever written and it has been a blast. I apologize for taking a while on this last chapter but I was inspired on some other projects and I didn't want to write something for Halo that I didn't have my heart completely in because you all deserve the best ending that I could provide. So thank you again for reading and being patient! This is the last chapter; however, there's a possibility at some point I will do an epilogue if you guys are interested. **

* * *

**Previously, in Chapter 19:**

"You'll never touch either of us again," Castle growled out, eyes coldly staring down at the wounded assassin.

"There'll always be someone, Mr. Castle. You'll never keep be able to keep her safe. You think getting rid of me will end all of this but you're wrong," Maddox said between gasps.

"We'll take our chances," Castle heard Kate say, as she came to stand behind him.

Castle was tempted to kill Maddox right there. To permanently put an end to the threat. But he knew that's not what he'd learned from all these years with Kate. Let them lock him up. Let him rot away in prison with the knowledge that he'd failed. Sometimes there was worse punishment.

As they turned to walk back up the stairs and alert the FBI, Maddox suddenly shoved himself up and toward Kate wrapping a hand around her ankle and pulling her down.

Castle didn't think, only felt his body react to the threat, pulling Kate into his arms as he kicked Maddox in the jaw, sending him flying down the rest of the stairs. Maddox's screamed echoed hollowly throughout the stairwell until he reached the bottom with a crash.

The effect of the blow caused him to tumble backward onto the upslope of the stairs. He shielded Kate from the fall, keeping his arms around her as he landed on his butt with Kate on top of him. Then, there was nothing but the feel of their racing hearts against each other, as he continued to cradle Kate to his chest.

They were ok. It was over.

_It was finally over._

**Chapter 20**

Castle gritted his teeth, feeling the tug of the needle as the EMT stitched up the incision where the knife had entered his abdomen. He was lucky. Very lucky, they'd told him. The knife had narrowly missed puncturing anything vital.

"Almost done, sir," the young paramedic said, looking at him sympathetically.

Castle nodded, grimacing slightly as he felt a sharper pull. The jagged wound in his side hurt like hell now. It throbbed rhythmically in time with his pulse. It was amazing how different things were once the steady thrum of adrenaline faded and all that was left was the sharp clarity of the night.

But the pain in his side was nothing compared to the anxiety of being separated from Kate again.

He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. It was nothing more than a losing battle. His eyes unconsciously sought her out in the crowd of police officers. He hadn't been able stop the wave of panic that swept over him when the paramedics had attempted to whisk him away an hour before.

He'd pled with the doctors not to separate them. He knew it wasn't rational. That she wasn't going anywhere in the midst of all the officers. But he couldn't stop the barrage of doubt from filling his mind. What if it wasn't over? What if somehow, someway someone else was coming for them? The anxiety steadily grew, his pulse quickened and he clutched her hand tightly. He couldn't let her go yet, not now, not after everything.

"Please just don't make me leave her," he'd all but begged, voice breaking as he stared up at the doctor.

It must have been enough because they'd finally obliged him and examined them both together. But Kate had been cleared much quicker, only having minor injuries. The officers had approached after a while and insisted they needed her statement. He'd begrudgingly accepted that things would be over quicker if he sucked it up and let her go. Surely he could handle thirty minutes apart. She'd kissed his forehead and flashed him an apologetic look, promising to come back when she was done.

Only, as soon as she disappeared from his sight the panic returned. It crept into his lungs like a poison, stole his breath, threatened to suffocate him. He just couldn't force the memories from his mind. The words Cole Maddox had uttered would echo in his head for years to come. Maybe for the rest of his life.

_There'll always be someone, Mr. Castle. You'll never be able to keep her safe._

His mind spun with the events of the night. Maddox was dead.

_Maddox was dead._

He repeated it to himself. Tried to use it to steady his breathing. Maddox was no longer a threat. He was the last link to her mother's case. A link that even Maddox had said wasn't related to the actual case. Just a matter of pride. A matter of finishing his unfinished business. Not letting them win.

But they had won. It was over. It was all over…

The boys had confirmed it shortly after the police arrived. It turned out that they'd been working with Gates already that night.

Esposito had refused to drop the case once they'd found the file outlining the correspondence between Gates and Shaw. He went to Ryan, and they'd decided to put the cameras around Castle's loft under surveillance. The two of them took turns monitoring the recordings for anything suspicious.

Ryan was watching the live feed, in the precinct working late on another case, when he caught a glimpse of Kate sneaking around the back of Castle's building. He didn't recognize her specifically but after surveying the videos for several days, he thought it odd that this was the first person he'd seen going around that part of the building where they weren't aware of any entrances. They were always looking for the odd sock and he'd found it. So he'd called Esposito.

They'd argued over what to do. Ryan wanted to go to Gates. Espo was suspicious about the possibility of her being tied in somehow. Didn't want to trust her after keeping the information about Maddox a secret from the start. But ultimately, Ryan won the argument. As much of a risk as it was, they needed the resources if it meant they could save Beckett.

That's when they finally learned that Gates had been doing her best to continue monitoring the situation through Shaw. When they confronted her with information, in a very un-Gates-like manner she'd stunned them by admitting that she'd been ordered by the FBI to keep the ongoing investigation confidential. She told them she couldn't provide them with all the details over the last few months but regardless they needed to move on this lead. It seemed that when it came to her people, she did put loyalty first.

Sure enough, when they'd arrived at the loft, they'd found evidence of the bomb and had been working with a team to try and diffuse it. Apparently the team had managed to at least lesson some of the damage, which was why the entire apartment hadn't gone up in flames this time.

The thoughts flew through his mind at hyper speed. All the information whipping and swirling around. All he could think about was how close they'd come. How close he'd been to losing Kate all over again. Without the boys, Gates, Shaw…they could both be dead. As it was, he and Shaw had both been injured, Shaw suffering from several broken ribs when the explosion knocked her to the ground.

And even though he knew that in the large scheme of things he shouldn't be worrying about it, he couldn't help but feel as though he'd failed Kate by planning the banquet in her absence. It was so much a part of what she'd dreamed of. Something special that he couldn't take back now that it had been done. And after everything, it was going to have to be cancelled. The sun was already almost up and there was no way they could pull it off today. He only hoped that maybe they could reschedule and work together on it as they'd always intended. He longed to at least give her that much.

"Okay," the doctor stated, snapping him abruptly from his thoughts. "I've got you all patched up now but there's some paperwork to fill out and I want to make sure you get a prescription for pain medication. Just sit tight, Mr. Castle, and I'll be right back."

"Thanks," Castle huffed as the paramedic walked away. He could still feel the surge of adrenaline racing through his veins, the urge to run, to get to her, the shortage of air in his lungs. He desperately needed to get a grip on himself.

It was just all too surreal, these months, this night. He leaned his head back against the ambulance wall, trying to remember the calming techniques he'd learned in his training.

_Exhale._

_Inhale slowly._

_Exhale._

_Count to ten_.

Nothing seemed to help. Nothing. The back of the ambulance was beginning to spin around him. He squeezed his eyes shut, gripped the seat, tried to fight through the dizziness. He just needed…

He needed Kate.

"I don't know about you but I'm tired of ending up in the back of these things." Her voice was light, a teasing lilt that danced through the air, filled the space between them and immediately eased some of the tightness in his chest.

"Kate," he breathed, opening his eyes. He drank in the sight of her. He could see the dark circles under her eyes, the weariness lacing her smile; yet, she still maintained such poise, such grace and strength in the midst of the chaos around them. He felt the coil of his muscles begin to relax. He'd never get over the way she affected him. How only her presence could fill the broken pieces, make him whole again.

"Hey," she said, the word escaping her lips on a sigh. He watched curiously as she stepped closer reaching out to run her fingers down his side, her touch just a faint ghost around the outline of his stitches.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she murmured.

He caught her hand in his, traced the skin between her thumb and index finger, the circular motion almost erotic. It sent shivers down his spine. Just this simple touch. This was what he needed. This connection. He would never get enough of seeing her, feeling her, having her close.

Her eyes flittered downward across his body, lingering on his exposed chest. He watched the way her eyes darkened, the way she swallowed, could feel her pulse racing underneath his fingertips.

When her gaze finally met his again, she immediately looked down, realizing she'd basically been caught checking him out, a faint blush spread across her cheeks.

God, she was so beautiful.

"You've…uh been working out?" she appraised, recovering quickly and running her hand over his bicep. All traces of embarrassment in her were replaced once more with unmistakable desire.

He could feel his own body responding from the electric look in her eyes and the feel of her hand, so soft against his bare skin. Memories of the horror they'd faced fading underneath her touch. Only a distant thought compared with what they'd done earlier that night. What he wanted to do again and again. So much time to make up for. So much…Kate.

As silly as it was, the moment gave him an incredible sense of relief, of normalcy. That even after everything, they were still them. She was still his.

"C'mere," he growled, pulling her to sit next to him. She came easily, shifting close against his uninjured side and he wrapped his arm around her. An easy silence settled between them as the heat of the moment blurred and shifted into a gentle calm. The relief he'd been grasping for desperately in her absence finally sinking into his bones.

"I love you so much, Castle," she said, laying her head to rest against his shoulder. "These last six months, all I could think of was how I could get back to you. Every day I spent without you, fighting to get better, to be able to end this…all I wanted about was our life back, everything we'd been building. It was all finally falling into place and then, suddenly it was gone. Just like that, it was taken away." She paused and he felt the tears from her eyes, running across his bare shoulder.

"I was so scared that we'd never have this again. That I'd never see you again," she said softly.

He pulled back a little so he could see her face. Needed to be able to look her in the eyes as he reached up to catch the tears with his thumb.

"Kate, I know we can't make promises that nothing will ever happen to one of us. We've seen so much darkness over the years. So much loss and sadness and every worst-case scenario out there. But I can promise you that I will never quit fighting for you, never quit believing in us. I will always love you. And I will never let you go."

He rested his forehead against hers, listened to the sound of her breathing, even against cheek as she absorbed his words. Never more grateful for the reminder that they were alive.

At the sound of footsteps approaching she pulled back and squeezed his hand, a silent thanks for letting her have the moment.

"All right, Mr. Castle, I've got your prescription here," the doctor stated, handing him a slip of paper.

"You'll need to take it easy over the next couple weeks. No strenuous activity and try to get some rest. Otherwise you should heal just fine. Let your wife here take care of you," he added, winking at Kate as he walked away.

Castle's eyes widened as he looked at Kate, expecting her to say something. Instead, she just shrugged at him sheepishly. "I may have insinuated that we were married so they'd let me stay earlier."

His mouth dropped open and he could only gape at her for a few seconds, letting the knowledge soak in as he recovered.

"Well then by all means, insinuate away, Mrs. Castle," he said, eyes sparkling as he nudged her gently, fully expecting to receive more bodily injury for the comment but unable to resist the opportunity.

Sure enough, the words earned him an eye roll. "Don't you dare even think about proposing to me here, Chuck Norris."

"I thought you didn't want anything fancy, Beckett," he teased.

"While I appreciate simplicity, Castle, I'd at least hope you'd buy a ring first."

"Who says I don't already have one?"

He heard her breath hitch at that and it was her turn to be stunned into silence. He watched as a slow smile spread across her face, lit up her eyes with what he could only define as wonder.

"Really?" she asked, her voice soft, almost shy.

He reached to brush a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and traced the line of her jaw with his thumb.

"Kate, I've been falling in love with you a little more each day since you first walked into my life and arrested me. It may have taken us a while to get here but I've never been more sure of anything in my life. So whenever _you're_ ready, I'm ready."

She stared at him for a moment and he could see the hint of moisture in her eyes again. Before he knew it, her lips were against his, her mouth opening to him as their tongues tangled together in a fiery blaze of emotion. There was no rush this time, no need to hurry. Just an equal give and take, a solid ground for them to build upon. He could feel them falling back together, healing, fighting off the sadness of the last six months. Finding each other.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Castle. That's all I want. Only you. Always you." She breathed the words against his skin, breathed the life back into him. Into them both as they made new promises, starting over again.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


End file.
